Wow. It's been entirely too long since the last time I posted anything. There's been a lot of change, but it's all good. Let's see, where to start. I think one of my last posts was rather selfish and more or less a pity party. Rude. Well, I got over all that.
Instead of going to BM, the boys and I decided to go on a road trip to visit our family and friends as far south as San Diego and back up the state. It was such a treat! We saw so many faces we hadn't seen in a long time and ended the trip in SLO celebrating with our closest friends at our favorite beach. Ssshh, it's a secret place. Anyway, we returned home refreshed and ready for the real world(or at last our version of it) Upon returning we hunkered down and worked. I had a follow-up meeting with my audio school admissions counselor to see if January enrollment was a go and…..it WAS!
Of course as is always the case, the holidays were wonderful but also stressful. Generally speaking, last year was rough. I lost a few people in my life, the last being my cousin who died from a stroke. The last time I saw him was during our road trip. We went camping with him and some other family members. I was thrilled that Tony was able to meet him as he was one of the best, funnest and most accepting cousins I had. He passed the week before Christmas. My mother was devastated. She grew up with him and his brother, and being an only child herself, it was like losing a big brother. I took a train down and spent a little over a week with my family. It was bitter sweet. We bonded more than ever. Cousins caught up with cousins. Feuds were forgotten. It's just sad that it had to take a funeral to make it happen. After my return home to SF, we had our own Christmas celebration with just us three boys and Linda. It was wonderful.
There was something else that happened to me during all this. As it's been stated in previous posts, I've always been susceptible to peer pressure and giving in to my vices much too easily. Looking back on the last couple of years, it's been a slow but steady process of trying to break that. As I get older I see another version of myself that I aspire to be. At the same time, there's the version of myself I've grown accustomed to perpetuating. On one hand, there's the fun-loving party boy who's the first to arrive and the last to leave. If you need a partner in crime, he's your man. The thing is, he isn't as outgoing as he pretends to be. He suffers slightly from social anxiety and in an attempt to conceal this he resorts to substance, often inviting danger into his life. On the other, there's the overly self-conscious side who aims to be perfect. "Perfection" is a tricky word though. My definition of "perfect" means to be the best I can be. That side denies my vices and aims for physical and mental health. He doesn't care what other people are doing and is not swayed by their attempts of peer pressure. He is driven, motivated and ready for a true evolution. I am both these people. I believe we all have two sides to us. There's the image we were raised with. The person we think we should be. And then there's the person we KNOW we should be. That person requires sacrifice, humility and determination. By nature, I always want to get to the finish line right away. I'm not crazy about the learning process. The thing is, in order to become the person we know we should be, it requires extensive amounts of learning. That is to fall, get back up, try something new and condition ourselves over time.
These revelations have been happening in my life all along, especially in the last three years. It culminated during the week I spent with my family. Listening to my grandmother's stories and her wisdom. Listening to her fears. Listening to the words of my mother and cousins and what life and family is to them. It really struck a chord. I realized then that I've been chasing my tail. Fooling myself into thinking I was growing when really I was still holding on and wanting to become this new, evolved person, but not fully letting go of that old version of myself.
I read a quote online at the perfect time. It summed up everything I was feeling:
"Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work it's way into your consciousness." - Caroline Myss
After I let go of that old image it was a lot easier for me to work towards my goal. This year is already so exciting. I reformatted my screenplay into a script for television, which gives me more freedom to develop the characters and plot line . I joined a climbing gym and got a second job at a brewery. I also started my Audio Engineering program. All in all, it's a crazy schedule that leaves little time for extracurricular fun, but as I'm learning, that type of fun is overrated, especially when I have big goals for my career. This nine-month course is a huge step in that direction and I can't wait to see what the next few months bring in way of creative inspiration. I will definitely keep more up-to-date with the progress of my script and music production.
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