It's been quite some time since I've made an entry on this. Apologies. Looking at the list from the beginning of 2012 and the goals I made for the last year, I see many I've accomplished and there are surely things I haven't. In any case I am proud of the lessons I learned along the way.
The biggest realization was that it will undoubtedly be harder before it get's easier. In order to succeed in our goals it takes more sacrifice than we like to make. I was living with a desire to be more conscious but only had one foot in it. It is not possible to half-ass anything. In order to really change for the better we have to completely dissect ourselves and pinpoint all of the problem areas. I was picking and choosing which ones I wanted with little success.
My relationship has seen some major change. I've always been the first one to give my love on all levels to anyone that would have it. I'm a lover by nature. What I was confusing was the types of love I possessed and gave in return. There are indeed different types of loves. Love for our family. Love for our partners. Love for our friends. Love for our professions. Love for our ourselves. I took for granted the love for my family, partners. I knew it was there and never challenged myself to work for it. I failed in that respect. Friends come and go, but the real ones graduate into family. Family is forever. Family understands the sacrifices we must make sometimes. I am so blessed to have so much family who supports the decisions I make, even when they are not the right ones.
I am even more blessed to have not one, but two lovers. Lovers who are patient and give me the freedom to make my own decisions and connections with other people, even when they are not a part of them. I took that for granted. But never again. I realize with freedom comes great responsibility. And just because we have freedom doesn't necessarily mean we should take it. A permit does not make a license.
I have lived a decade of decadence. My twenties have seen my in less than desirable positions and there were times I thought I would literally die. I pushed my body and my soul beyond it's limits. I always had my husband by my side and eventually our fiancé. You may ask why they didn't stop me from making poor decisions. Well, it isn't their job. A common misconception is that out partners are there to control us. I even accepted that. I learned to never lie and be brutally honest. If I doubted a decision I was making was the right one I would ask them if they were ok with it. They would say 'you do what you need to' and I ran with it. The problem was that I never asked myself if I was ok with it.
Since moving to SF I have done the most damage to not only myself, but to the ones I love. It was never intentional yet it was real just the same. My lovers did what they needed to: Love me, support me and wait for me to get it. Patience, however, does have an expiration date. And to be honest, so does the power of love. Love is forever. All you need is Love. This is true. But we can't expect it to be enough when it comes to relationships. There must be self sacrifice. There must be acknowledgment of our own actions. There must be a consequence for those actions. It's the natural order of things.
I became so accustomed to getting everything I wanted because I asked permission first. But it's not OK. I am so incredibly grateful that I figured it out before my boys' patience ran out. In a sense it did. A serious action led to a serious talk like no other. The daunting conversation that every relationship must have: What do we want? What do you need? Am I really the one to give it you? Are you really the one to give it to me? It's a frightening dialogue. Honesty is scary like that. Sometimes we hear what we don't want to. Much of the time we hear things we need to.
I was lost in a world of material obsession. I still am. Aiming to attain enough money to buy the clothes and fashionable accessories that I imagine myself to possess. Aiming to befriend all the "important people" that will get me ahead in the industry. Aiming to hold onto a pretentious youth that fades faster than I like. Aiming to gain the love from every stranger to prove I am worthy of breaking the mold when it comes to love. Challenging myself to live a healthier life while still going out and chasing those tired demons. Lying to myself that my relationship was truly perfect when there were holes here and there, with me as the main cause.
Everything happens for a reason. This art project of mine has already had so many incarnations and continues to evolve into something bigger than me. In it's process I have challenged myself to learn about the world around me, even when it's less than pleasant. I have learned about my most basic addictions and how they are regressive to my growth. I've felt like a hypocrite for "preaching" a better way of living while making the same foolish mistakes I see in others.
I've decided to stop blaming my surroundings and simply accept them. We can't change ourselves or the world overnight. It will honestly take an entire lifetime to make the smallest change. To acknowledge that and to accept is all we can ask for. There are many aspects of our society I despise. These elements are the catalyst for my project. The album lyrics and the story I'm working on reflect the world we live in and the very possible direction it will take if I don't change. Change starts with ourselves. We must hold ourselves responsible every day of our lives. If we have problem, change it.
I am posting this not to preach, but to confess. I guess my catholic upbringing will always be a part of me, even if I'm not religious anymore. I always feel guilt for actions I make, but instead of confessing it to a faceless man in solitude I'd rather confess it to the world. That way I know I must hold myself responsible. Once it's out in the open I can't go back on my word.
Now that I'm 30 I welcome the next decade as a construction chapter in my life. Deconstruction comes first. Clearing the foundation, reorganizing the plans and purging all of the rotted walls that have inhabited it for far too long.
My love for myself, my family and partners comes first and foremost.
To love myself, I must stop the abuse of substance and focus on a healthy lifestyle. Taking time to exercise and be creative as well as cutting out toxic ingredients in my diet. I've been pretty successful in the last few years but I could improve further.
To love my family I must keep in contact with them and invite them to be in my life more than just the holidays. I need to call them more often and tell them about my week and ask them about theirs. Even the smallest phone conversation can show them that you love them and are thinking of them.
To love my partners I must make real time for them. I must not just ask if it's OK but put myself in their shoes. What would I want for me if I was them? What could I sacrifice in my own selfishness that would truly show them I care. What can I do aside from love them to prove I love them?
To love the world around me I must take full responsibility for my own actions and invite a different perspective. I must aim to understand things I am not knowledgeable of without fear. I must offer my help more often and extend a hand beyond my direct family. We are all here together. We all love. We all want something better for not just ourselves but the world around us.
I promise to make real sacrifices this year that will make the world a better place, not just for myself but for you and your loved ones. I'm surrendering my pride and my comfort so I can continue to learn the necessary practices needed for survival. If I plan on surviving I must evolve. It won't be easy and I will stumble surely, but I will know it's never too late to make it right and that I will never be alone.
Call it God. Call it Love. Call it Light. But Call It. It is in You. You in It.
