2012

"New Year and a New Moon's rising. Happy wishes all around. New chance to get stroked by lady luck, new kiss out on the town...."




2012 is going to be amazing, don't you think? I'm sure you've felt that certain sense of apprehension and excitement in the air. Sure, we all say that every year but it really does feel different. I for one, feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice and everything is about to change, but it's not dreadful. It's exhilarating. Things I've grown a love for and things I want to change and apply in no particular order:

-bike riding +
-millet +
-bulgar wheat +
-no microwaves
-sweet potatoes +
-broaden my pallet for fine cheeses
-more leafy greens with every meal(kale and chard, rapini..mmm)
-whiskey +(yeah, I can actually sip on it and enjoy the flavor, who knew?)
-shooting/hunting/butchering for large supply of organic free range meat
-sexually orientated labels(gay, bi, straight - it's all about connections here, people)
-no more tv in the living room
-RELEASE of my debut EP!
-classes-voice, piano, sound engineering
-travel(central or south america??)
-production of full-length album
-reminding myself to stop, look around me and be thankful for the present blessings
-networking
-performing live
-more family time
-meditation and finding a constructive way to balance love, work and play...any day now


Looking at this list now makes it seem lofty to say the least but considering I already started practicing half of these things I feel confident. Also, because I'm letting the you know I can't turn back ;)


What do you foresee and hope for in 2012?

Doppelgängers and Dreams

Selected quotes(from others) that inspired this post:

"We are our own worst enemy"

"Take the log out of your own eye before you try to remove the sliver from your neighbor's eye."

"It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves"

“Be your own worst critic. When things go wrong it's tempting to shift the blame. Don't.
Accept responsibility. People will appreciate it, and you will find out what you're capable of.” 

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

"Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

I am a Taurus. I'm passionate and sympathetic but stubborn. My emotions take me for a ride all the time. I was also born close to the cusp of Gemini and I'm starting to see it in myself. This inner dual is apparent. Every day I seek answers and like or not, initially pass judgements. But I am conscious and before I speak out(mostly) I ask myself why I feel this way. I see everyone as mirrors and when I experience something that rubs me the wrong way I instinctively want to point the finger. When you're pointing your finger at a mirror the "problem" is crystal clear.I am grateful that I'm at least aware of this but still eager to learn how to use that in a constructive way. Listening to and considering different opinions and philosophies is necessary for our own self-growth. It may not be comfortable or easy, but in the end it let's us know more about ourselves. I want to know more about the world so I can learn more about myself and why I do certain things that are considered bad habits, in turn I can empathize with other people I normally would have no understanding of.

There is a great change happening around me and sometimes I lose myself in the process. The biggest challenge of late is finding a constructive way to balance my relationship, my family and my career plans, while being present. The future is always on my mind and it's been brought to my attention that it's so bad that I am not present with my current company. The apprehension of what may come is so crippling that I shut down. I must change this. I must not let my life and my loved ones suffer because I was too busy worrying about the possibility of something going awry. So, I will end this post and cease the day with the one's I love...won't you join me?

Catalyst for The Devil's Memoir (1999)

***This was an introduction I wrote for my upcoming concept album(lyrics) and explains where I got the inspiration. It also tells a little about myself, so I thought it was appropriate to start things off...

 

 

 

 

The Devil Defined
An Introduction to “THE DEVIL’S MEMOIR”
By: Michael Angel

My conception was the result of inflicted violence from a father I would grow up to never know. My mother, too young at 14 was sent to a group-home. I became a ward of the state and found a home with a new family of Christian faith. Growing up was a challenge as adolescence brought with it a “sickness” I knew as homosexuality. I learned to keep my fears and fantasies to myself and a new-found passion for art became a therapy I depended on. Like many a closeted 17-year old, anger, sorrow and angst consumed me and I channeled it through an illustration which marked the beginning of my journey. One year later, I packed my dark art away and set off to start a new life where we all had second chances. Overzealous and clueless on my brave new path, I made an unexpected detour; An unplanned vision-quest from too many mushrooms, resulted in a life-changing experience ending in the emergency room...

THE VISION

I was surrounded by every single person I had ever encountered in my life. Every family member, every friend and every “stranger” I passed in life were all there. Everyone. We were behind an elaborate and vast backstage area and I was lost in a sea of faces. I looked in the direction of the side-stage after hearing a thunderous roar of applause coming from beyond the red curtains and through them stepped my grandmother. But it wasn’t really her, was it? She didn’t even acknowledge me. She walked right past me all the while taking off a mask, revealing a total stranger, young and vivacious. Suddenly, I was tapped on the shoulder by a boy I often admired in high school. He apologized for not being a better friend. It was simply the script that limited his presence. Now the show was over and we were able to be ourselves. I knew him and he knew me. Another face and faint recollection. Then the Truth. I struggle to put this in words but it was something to the effect that we are all connected. We are all One. The same energy flows through everything on this earth and has been in constant flow since the beginning. The energy in my grandmother is the same in the stranger across the street. This is too great to comprehend, so we search for answers and make up stories. We need to feel in control to live our lives and familiarity is what we come to depend on. We often forget there is more than our physical form that survives after death. God cares not what we do in our physical life as long as it’s in the Light of Love, for God is not physical, but Light itself. The Energy. In essence, that energy is cycled throughout time and when we are not on the stage of life we are free to see this. We are free to know all the secrets. It was so beautiful and so heartbreaking to learn this. Still in my vision, I cried. I was then put on a stretcher and taken elsewhere. There were people all around me. A figure to my right had her hand on my chest. I couldn’t place her face but I knew she was someone very special. Someone who knew me more than anyone in this world and she soothed me with her silent words. “It will only hurt for a little bit longer.”  In reality I was in the emergency room strapped to the bed and as they forced the tube down my throat to administer the charcoal, my life flashed before my eyes. I remember it so clearly. As soon as the tube entered my throat the visions came. It started at birth and I saw in chronological order every time I hurt myself, both physically and emotionally. Every time I skinned my knee on the playground. Every time I looked in the mirror and disliked what I saw. Every single time and it was then, I heard the voice of God. It wasn’t words, for there are no words when God’s concerned. I simply understood. I hurt myself too much. I was afraid for the wrong reasons. I was trying to please the wrong people. I am a child of God. I am a child of Light. God is Light. I must stay in the Light. I must let the Light in me shine and not shy away from it. There are no mistakes. There is simply our souls and they can either live in the Light that is God, or they can fall into the darkness of despair, fear and destruction. I awoke. I was changed. The guilt I felt for being gay was no more. I cried and I loved myself. I cried and I forgave my enemies, for they were never my enemies, but simply lost.

REVELATION

I used to blame my legal guardians for every heartbreak in my life. I am not justifying their actions or words. It’s not OK. But I now understand. It’s not easy being human, let alone a parent. They had 5 kids by the time they were 30.  I will be 30 this coming year and I couldn’t imagine. I am not a parent so I can’t say for sure, but I feel when we become parents, the fear of the world pushes us to take drastic measures when our children are concerned. The memory of our own childhood, adolescence and years passed cause us to react in a primal, instinctive manner and we want nothing more than to protect our family, at all costs, using our own lesson’s learned as guidelines for properly raising our offspring. If we go into parenthood without really knowing who we are, the actions and decisions we make in regards to our children are an extension of our own quest for self-realization. Simply, we get another chance. Our children can succeed where we have failed. But if we are lost, how can we lead another? How do we know we are right in what we teach our children? How do we know it’s not pride, selfishness or fear that control our decisions? That is the ultimate question we ask ourselves, parents and children alike. What makes us different from one another? What is right? What is wrong? How will we know?

One year after my epiphany, I met the man of my dreams and together, hand in hand, we ceased the days that followed. We made our own rules as we went, using our experiences to establish the life we wanted for ourselves. We wrote our own rules to Love and along the way, met a beautiful boy who stole our hearts. Together, we all three continued our journey, living, learning and loving the world around us. If you asked me 15 years ago, if I knew I was going to grow up with a clean conscience living an openly gay, poly-amorous life in San Francisco, making art and writing music, I would have surely laughed in your face. It’s truly amazing what one can accomplish when the heart is followed, a chance is taken, and life is led in The Light.

THE DEVIL’S PLAN

Although the catalyst was born on that fateful day in 1999 when a hopeless and lost version of myself created a dark and chaotic depiction, it truly began seven years later when I found that old drawing. I remembered all the pain and hopelessness I lived years before and as I gazed on the work,  a chord was struck. I was suddenly compelled to pick up a pen and write. Without any orchestrated plan I scribbled a stream of consciousness inspired by the image. Words became lines. Lines became verses. Verses became poems and before I knew it I had the beginning of a literary work triggered by the raw emotion that surely surpassed my own existence. It was as if the drawing found me and I was a vessel, a medium for something greater. My experiences, along with those of others I came to know shaped “The Devil’s Memoir.” Born as a concept, it became a commentary. It peers into the psyche of man, chronicling the inevitable path we take as we grow into ourselves. It’s a timeless tale that finds it’s way in every generation through music, art and literature. The Light that animates our soul is rivaled by the war we wage on our bodies, and it takes most of us our entire lives or beyond to learn how to balance such great power. This struggle has caused countless war and death only to repeat itself for every generation to bear witness. A testament to what we are capable of. In the face of our greatest catastrophes, “The Devil” has shown what is possible when darkness is chosen over Light. This work is intended not to preach, or endorse a way of life. It is an archetype of our times and reflects the adversities we face in today’s society. We’ve been here before and we have fallen, just the same, yet we so often judge one another and forget our own faults. Where is the true wisdom then? Are we much different than our enemy? Are we the final judge? Have we truly sought out the answers, or simply settled on tall tales that were made well before we ever had a chance to question them? This is a quest to find these answers.  All I can do is pray my path brings me closer to the New Consciousness I seek. This is our memoir and the “The Devil” is merely fleeting.