"Polyamory" refers to having an intimate relationship with more than one person, where all involved are aware and accepting of the arrangement. That arrangement varies depending on the relationship and can have any number of men and or women involved. What Polyamory is not is a marital institution. It is not intended to place persons in a specific title where one person is in charge, but where all involved are equal and free to express themselves. It takes a lot of courage, honesty and humility to be in a successful polyamorous relationship whereas a polygamous relationship requires more of a willingness to conform to the ideal of the institution.
Many people in the world don't know(or care) of the difference and think it's pretty much all the same if it's not a traditional one-man one-woman union. As I am approaching 4 successful and fruitful years in a polyamorous relationship I feel a need to shed a little insight on this subject.
"Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends" - Shirley Maclaine
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood" - Marie Curie
"Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius
Love. Its a funny and scary thing, yet we covet the relationships we see walking down the street, on the television and on the big screen. The idea that if we do all "the right things" we will acquire that one True Love plagues so many of us. We project our fantasies and so often trick ourselves into a relationship that dissipates as quickly as it materialized. We are left with the ultimate question: Do I fight for this or do I walk away? Is my obsession to manifest a relationship on my terms so strong that I will use my head and not my heart to stay and "make it work"? Will my pride keep me here day after day living the life I think I should live simply because I tricked myself into thinking it's what I deserve? What will my friends think? What will my family think? What will society think of me? What will I think of me?
Pride is powerful. We want so much to be right from the very beginning we forget that life is learning. So we lie to ourselves, we stay in a relationship for a year, then five, then ten, then twenty. We've all heard of the stories of people staying in a failed relationship for decades to finally make the leap of faith and set out to find independence at the prime age of 50. True, it is never too late to change. But why wait so long when deep down you knew all along?
Every day we trick ourselves into saying, thinking and living a certain way and we don't even know we are doing it. From the day we are born we are taught from others the way of life. What it is and why it is. What it's not and what it should not be. When we reach that tender age of adolescence the feelings in our own head and heart combat everything else we were taught. It's in that instance we make up our minds as to the kind of adult we will grow up to be and everything we do from that point on is an extension of that choice we make. Everything we do must conform to the idea we have of ourselves. Every relationship we make thereafter is serving that purpose. We project that ideal and seek it out in the people we meet. If they don't serve our ideal we often dismiss them. The exception is with our lovers. Our hearts are fragile and we fear the pain. This would explain the running trend of staying in a relationship that has been doomed from the beginning. We are so afraid of having a broken heart we will lie to ourselves and fight. It's OK to fight for Love, but we must be honest with ourselves. Is it truly Love, or simply the idea?
If you've read my complete blog(and you should) then you already know I was raised in a conservative household. I lied to myself to please my family and friends and started relationships I thought I should have, not that I wanted. I finally found the courage I needed to come out of the closet. I knew I would hurt some friends and family. I knew what society would say and it wasn't going to be easy, but it was the only way. This is my life. This is who I am and God makes no mistakes. It was at this point I stopped looking for that special someone and set out to find myself and to love and understand what I didn't know. It was then that Love found me. The thing about True Love is that it can not and will not be controlled. It does not come when you're ready. The longest lasting relationships usually start the same way, unexpected and raw.
Love found me. He was beautiful and blonde with a tan and a smile that lit up the world. He was everything I wanted and surprisingly everything I needed. With only my idea of what a relationship should be we started a monogamous one. My youthful naivety got the better of me and I cheated on him a few months in. The guilt I felt consumed me and I finally came clean expecting him to leave. Much to my surprise, he said he knew it was going to happen. I was only 19, just came out of the closet and projected my idea of what a relationship should be and what it was not supposed to be. He then told me he just wanted me to be honest with him and then he was honest with me. He too, was not ready for a monogamous relationship but our desire to be with one another was too strong to end it so we made our own rules. We finally declared our love for one another after months of nervously and clumsily almost saying it out loud only to retreat at the last second(A good sign that it's true love is when you sweat and convulsively shake at the thought of saying "I Love You" to that person) Over the years our trust solidified, our communication broadened and we continued to have a successful open relationship. Sure, jealousy came up, but after years of being together and recognizing what jealousy is we moved past it. Jealousy is a selfish emotion. It's an empty threat on our ego. The Love we have with one another is unparalleled and unrivaled. Therefore, any connection he may have with someone else is not a threat to my relationship with him. It is not an attack on me and it is there to help him grow as an individual and in turn it helps me grow. This concept is easy to understand when we think about friendships. Take 3 friends for example: friends A and B have known each other for 5 years when they meet friend C. Friend A and C have certain strengths and friends B and C have others. These three friends all have a unique connection with one another and it's simply understood with everyone involved that each friendship is different and special and is not a threat to the other. We have simply applied that same process of thinking to our relationship. Every connection is special and helps us grow.
After 7 years of strengthening our bond with one another and still having the freedom to have intimate experiences with other people by adhering to our own "rules", we broke them. We met a boy who we both fell hard for. There was a mystery to him. His dark handsome features and doe-eyed gaze were enough to make anyone giddy. He had that certain something that no other boy in all our years had ever made us feel and we started to have him at our house multiple nights a week. As opposed to previous "tricks" that cause us to act a certain way and pretend to be something we aren't quite really, we were able to be ourselves. He was anything but a trick. He made us feel so comfortable and more importantly he made us want to be better than what we were. We both knew we were falling in love with him around the same time and although we were masters of communication, the thought of admitting it out loud to one another was crippling. After all, we knew what our relationship was. It was us 2 taking life by the balls. We had "experiences" with others but relationships? Polyamory was something we never thought about. Sure, it was cool for some people but not us. Yet, here we were. Again, Love barged in when we least expected it...rude. It got us thinking about preconceived notions. Ideals we are taught by society. Why are we worrying about what society is going to think of us now? We already had 7 unconventional years of adventure, we were already labeled sinners by the religious right so why try to censor ourselves now? Shouldn't we continue to follow our hearts? Our hearts are telling us to shout it from the rooftops, "We love this man and want him to be part of us!". That fear we all feel when something is about to change materialized and that same apprehension we felt before we confessed our love to one another years before was back. It was in that instance we knew what we had to do. The only thing to do. On March 17, 2008 we asked him to join us in a polyamorous relationship and he gladly accepted. The next few weeks was like coming out the closet all over again. With no other examples or role models to refer to we made it up as we went and when some people learned of our new relationship they would say, "wow" or "OK" or "How does that work??". Time was the test we needed and over the years we have seen other poly relationships come and go. Many have since ended but we are still going strong. A common misconception is that this relationship is about sex. So many times people want to write us off as a "threesome". Many people want to volunteer their insight that my husband and I weren't happy enough with one another and had to do this to make it work. Others have accused us of "cheating" the name of the game. In the past there have been times when I myself have questioned why we are in this relationship. Were we strong enough? Are they right? Are we cheating? Today I know that those accusations couldn't be further from the truth. We simply live our lives and follow our hearts. There is something greater out there that is orchestrating the design. We are all part of a cosmic mosaic. Every piece, every crack, every color has a place and a purpose. Our third lover is part of that design. We 3 as a whole and individually have learned so much from one another and from our friends and families. Love is what you make it. You can not shape Love and have to let Love shape you. Fear not what others will think or say for they don't know what's in your heart. Listen to your heart. Be brave and honest with yourself and others. If the relationship you find yourself in today leaves you wanting, ask yourself what it is you want. Did you force this union to perpetuate the ideal you had of yourself or did this union find you? Life is Short and Life is Long. It really depends on your perception of it. Whatever the case, don't let life pass you by and more importantly, don't let Love pass you by.
*This is not a ploy to get you to try polyamory. In all honesty, it's not for the majority and only for a small portion of the minority. In my years I have seen many relationships come an go. Some have honestly failed while others dishonestly prevail. The point of this post is to shed some light on the many aspects and definitions of what love is and what love can be. In the end, follow your heart and never let anyone tell you what you should be or who you should love. You are a beautiful piece of stained glass in that cosmic mosaic and every crack and curve is an attribute only your true love/loves can appreciate.
**I also understand that not everyone will agree with my definitions of what polyamory is, please keep in mind, the understanding varies depending on those involved. I am only using my personal experiences to define what it is for me and I welcome and respect other opinions of what polyamory and relationships in general are. To each their own.
