The last time I saw the playa was in 2011. It was a beautiful year with many loved ones. If you've ever been to Burning Man you know what a magical and indescribable place it is. This entry is not about that.
Being in any relationship is hard work. Being in a three-way relationship makes it harder…..and easier. It's harder because you have to get three people on the same track with agreeing that a final decision is the right one for the relationship. Any time we plan a vacation we all have to make sure it fits into our schedules. It's easier because you have two other people to bounce ideas off and if it's a terrible idea, reason will usually find it's way through the other two.
It's been a hell of a journey these last six years since living in San Francisco. When we moved in 2009 it was difficult finding jobs but everything worked out in a matter of months. We found a permanent place to live and started saving money. Having gone once before in 2007, Boo and I really wanted to go back, but 2009 wouldn't be that year as we were still getting on our feet. By 2010 we were ready. Metropolis might have been my favorite year. It was Tony's virgin year and it's always special bringing someone along who's never experienced it before. We told ourselves we would take a year off and return in 2012, but by the time summer of 2011 came around and nothing but BM talk is circulating we decided to go again! Financially, we knew it wasn't the wisest decision, but hey, life is about adventure…and debt. Lots of debt. Deep down we three knew we would't be going the next year, or probably the year after. We were right. By 2012 we wanted more for our relationship. We wanted a foreseeable future and draining our savings account every year for a week in a dream wasn't working for us. We spent the next year limiting our fun, investing in our relationship and saving. We had been to handful of festivals and many more parties in the city, yet we hadn't all three had memories of a real vacation so made an effort to spend 2013 working on a goal: saving money for real vacation that didn't leave us with lowered seritonin. Boo and myself had been to Vancouver, Costa Rica(twice) and Nicaragua, but Tony had never been anywhere and we wanted to take him somewhere beautiful. We decided Central America would be the best choice. It's affordable and gorgeous. I worked my ass off that year with the understanding that I would buy us three plane tickets to Central America as long as I could also buy us three tickets to Burning Man. This would be our return to paradise before continuing working full-time.
Central America was everything. A true adventure and we returned home fully refreshed. Tony got a full-time management job that he's very happy with and even got the time off for Burning Man. I was able to pick up extra hours and will be ready to buy our tickets in a couple of weeks. Yet, here I am thinking about the bigger picture. When I make my mind up to do something I make sure I follow through. Everything I've ever truly wanted in my life I've acquired. Making my return to BM is very important to me. I miss it. So much. The boys miss it too. We have the opportunity to go. This might be the last chance we get for another three years. See, Tony plans on keeping this job for the long haul, which is a good thing of course. I'm planning on enrolling in music school at the beginning of next year and after I'm done will need to start paying off student loans. Boo is also planning on working full-time. We have a plan to put any extra money in savings the next three years so we can buy property. This year is basically our last year to enjoy excessive fun and yet the doubt is circulating.
I find myself more torn than ever with the decisions I make. I have always been a selfish person and I'm trying to make selfless decisions. I feel I've made many sacrifices in order to be a better husband and sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Other times, I feel like I'm finding myself for the first time. We all have an idea of who we are and who we're supposed to be when life happens and throws us a curve ball. When I look at my life right now it's good. It's easy. I'm more grounded. I'm more realistic with my goals. It's the practicality that's keeping me from making my mind up about the Burn. I want it so bad I can taste it. I know SO many beautiful people that are going this year and to imagine myself missing yet another year truly hurts my heart. But, there's more to life than adventure. I have greater passions in my life. My husbands are most important to me and though it may look like a perfect life, it's hard work. We all see the versions of who we want to be and we're not quite there yet. Were making it happen but it's a slow journey. The left side of my brain sees going to the playa as a necessary recharge while the right side sees staying as a necessary step in achieving our goals of success.
Boo and I went for drinks last week when he first expressed to me that he didn't think he wanted to go this year. It struck me as a surprise considering we have the time off and the money to do it but I heard him out. His main concern at the time was that many of our friends weren't gong this year and it wouldn't be fun or worth it. Over the years I've had many friends tell stories of the one time they went to BM by themselves with no strings attached and had the BEST time ever. I tried explaining that to him, saying we didn't have to rely on our friends to enjoy our time. The playa provides all the fun we'd need. I then shared my admiration for people who are able to experience the burn all alone and how it would be nice if one year we were able to go separately and have a lonely adventure. This did not go over so well. He translated that as me not wanting to go with him. Technically, my words supported his perception but it's not what I meant. I believe we are all entitled to experiences and adventures we should call our own, even if we are in relationships. I believe those experiences help shape us and allow us to gain some perspective on who were are and what we appreciate. He doesn't feel the same way. He believes that anything major should only be shared with your lover and imagining being on the playa as his own navigator without me or Tony by his side is not something he's interested in doing.
So, here I am dealing with another dilemma. Honestly, I wouldn't mind experiencing the playa by myself. If I can afford to pay for my husbands and they choose to not go, I should still be able to go. That much seems logical to me. But I also understand there is more to consider than getting there. The real question is what will be waiting when we get back? I don't know the answer and I may never. I'm still weighing the possibilities back and forth in my mind. One thing I know is that I love my husbands and I love my life and I should be grateful for the experiences I've already made on the playa and other places in the world. As the time approaches and I see more FB posts about my friend's BM plans, my selfishness resurfaces but I have to stay true to myself. I need to block out the noise and just focus and what's important for me, my relationship and my future.
There's a large desert fire that's screaming my name and a flame deep inside me that whispers the same.
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