Well, It's been about a month since my last entry. So, here goes.
I'm loving my new job. I'm even more in love with school. I've never cared as much about grades and succeeding as I do now, but I guess that's what happens when you work towards your passion.
I'm already six weeks into my course and have learned the basics of sound, music theory, MIDI and signal processing. I'm particularly stoked on receiving Native Instruments(software) which is basically 12,000 sounds and instruments at my disposal. This of course has inspired me to work on new material in between my assignments. My EP is closer than ever. I've used the opportunity to reevaluate what I want to do with this education. I'm thinking I still want to be a producer, but I want to work towards something greater. I've outlined a three album production plan. Each project would have a different trajectory that would raise awareness and funds for communities that I want to support. If I could find a way to use the money raised for these projects to give back to the community it would be a success. I just need to get past the first step and get through school.
Aside from refining my musical goals, I've hit a wall with my writing endeavors. As many of you know I've been working on a storyline/screenplay for a few years now. I keep going back and forth between ideas in how to present it.
I'm self taught in almost everything I'm doing. I never took art classes to teach myself how to draw and even though it's been years since I've created any new work in that medium, I know it's still in me. Same goes with writing. And singing. To a professional writer and reader it's no surprise that I have ways to go before I master proper format. Here's the thing though. I've never been one to follow the rules completely. In reality, there are no rules. I can do whatever the hell I want. It's my work.
On one hand, the perfectionist's hand, I want to wait until everything is "ready." Basically, I want to see everything out to it's fullest potential and I don't want to jump the gun.
The other hand, I'm all too aware that time is precious. Tomorrow is not promised. Perhaps it's best to share what you have so at least some people see it.
I'm currently inspired by the serial novel format, which would allow me the chance to introduce my characters in real time in small increments. Typically, serial novels like Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City(which I recommend you read) were published in newspapers as regular installments. Well, let's face the fact that physical newspapers are on their way out. Everything is digital now. If I were to take this route I could post the installments onto my blog as soon I'm done with them. Hopefully gain an audience, slowly, but surely.
I'm not trying to become famous. A few years ago was a different story. I wanted the glory. Now that I see the larger picture my goals have changed. I just want to create. I want to share my view of the world. Many people aren't going to like my perspective. I'm preparing myself for the harsh judgement of the internet. People are vicious when hiding behind their computers. If I go this route, I must expect many critics to slam my work for everything that it's not. And everything it is.
I feel like I'm in a race against time, being pulled in two different directions. It's dizzying. Exhilarating, but dizzying.
Here's a little about the work itself. First off, when people ask me what it's about, I fumble for precise words, trying not to give too much away. And I fail. The story is so complex with backstory and side plots. If I want to sell it, I must find a way to compress it into a "logline." A logline is a one to two sentence summary of the plot. It's almost like a tagline, but for your screenplay/script. I'd been grappling with the perfect one for months and finally settled with this:
"The personal lives of four public figures collide during a series of national security mishaps."
I'm pleased with it. It tells you there are four main characters and who they are(to an extent) and the basic plot line, without giving too much away, hopefully creating some allure.
So we have four public figures. Who are they?
At one time they were simply names in a song from my concept album, The Devil's Memoir. Much like the album itself, it sparked something greater. First I had the drawing which inspired the poetry, which became the lyrics to the album. I realized I didn't just have an album in the works, but a larger story. Over the next few years I created entire lives for these characters. Their families have established pasts. Their grandparents are accounted for. I felt it was necessary to know where they had come from and where their parents came from in order to make their own paths more believable, more human.
Now what do I do with all this material?!
I realized I had way too much going on to make it just one novel or screenplay. Reformatting it into a series just seems like the natural way to go. It gives me the freedom to slowly introduce them. It gives them the freedom to grow naturally. I like the idea of them living in real time. It allows us(the readers/viewers) to see the world as it is and as it could be through their eyes. The story and the album have the same goal of striking an emotional chord with the reader/listener, giving them a sense of familiarity. I want the work to bring everyone to the same level. Hopefully in that instance people will understand that we are in essence, all the same. All fighting for something. All dreaming of something greater. All searching for a missing piece to make us whole again.
Here is a small introduction of the four main characters in real time:
Ben Drake: Professional rugby player for the American Union aka The Eagles. He is 20 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. The picture-perfect California boy. His sportsmanship as a fly-half has won rugby more respect with American athletes and his sex appeal has won him much attention in American tabloids. He isn't a fan of his newfound fame and focuses on preparing for the Rugby World Cup later this year, where he hopes to elevate his team to the top ten bracket. He is private, humble and dedicated which gives him an element of mystery with all who meet him.
Ben's family owns the largest independent dairy farm in the west coast, Drake Farms Organics. They have recently incorporated a solar energy venture known as Drake Solar Solutions. Both companies are regularly faced with legal roadblocks put in place by the USDA and their clients at Sunset Farms and Biocorp Technologies, who are attempting to monopolize the nation's beef and dairy industry.
Mary Douglass: A socialite with porcelain skin and fiery red hair. She is the "billionairess" to her late-father's fortune that accumulated from stock in petroleum, finance, biotech and corporate media. After his(Richard Douglass) death in 1990, Mary, at only 8 years old, became an instant celebrity due to her title as the youngest and richest heir in the United States. Mary grew up in the spotlight and learned to love it. By the time she was 25, Mary's resume included modeling, acting, reality TV and rehab. She is now 32 years old and has reinvented herself as a philanthropist, throwing lavish charity galas that host celebrities and politicians alike. The youth obsessed culture she helped perpetuate is growing bored with her current lack of "drama." Social media is unforgiving of her recovery, hoping for a relapse that will make her exciting once again. Critics attack her age claiming she's too young to retire the party scene, yet too old to break headlines, or date the young boys she's often photographed with. It's a harsh reality of a pill that Mary is having a hard time swallowing.
David Cross: A tall, lanky journalist for Freespeak News, with horned rimmed glasses and ardent disposition. He is the younger, half-brother to Mary. Shortly after Richard Douglass died, Mary's mother, Adrian Douglass, remarried Samuel Cross. He was an investigative journalist working for her late-husband's broadcasting empire, One Net Media(ONM). The controversial courtship became national news and followed the family henceforth. Subsequently, David grew up in the spotlight because of who his family was, and learned to resent not only the corporate media hounds at ONM, but also his sister, Mary, who's vanity and materialism has spoiled what he believes to be a lost opportunity to make a real difference. David has chosen to follow his father's footsteps in exposing the secrets of America's elitist "one percent."
Samuel Cross left ONM in 2012 when the media giants showed no signs of nearly eradicating their investigative departments nationwide. Samuel used his own revenue to start the ultra progressive Freespeak News which has two purposes: to find jobs for laid-off journalists with integrity, and to fight the conservative media machine who has resorted to tabloid tactics and sensationalism.
Jonathan Kahlo AKA Johnny K: Internet blogger/Activist. Johnny is 19 years old and a wild child with dark, androgynous features. He grew up in a conservative, abusive household and ran away at the young age of twelve. He found his estranged grandmother, Mill, in San Francisco and lives with her. Unlike Johnny's parents, Mill has accepted him for who he is and urges him to embrace his individuality. Unfortunately, he ran with concept, becoming an addict of sex and designer drugs by the time he was sixteen. A near-fatal incident was the "rock bottom" that yanked Johnny out of his downward spiral. He decided to start a public video journal documenting his experiences with abuse, sexuality, intimacy issues, addiction and suicide attempts as well as sharing his own views on the current social state of American youth culture. The blog is gaining momentum along with Johnny's motivation to make a real difference in the world around him.
So, there they are. Four different characters with four different paths, all motivated by something unique to their own lives and experiences. The idea is to allow them to grow in real time. Telling their stories as if they were living in a similar world.
Like most fictional characters and the people who created them, there is a bit of me and/or people I know mixed in. At least that's how it started, however, they have evolved into their own realities.
The next question is: Where do I start?
I could start at the beginning. Or, I could post accounts as they materialize, using real-world events as inspiration. The benefit of me not having proper training in the writing field is that I don't know the rules. I can ignore them and simply tell it how I want. You'll either love it or hate it. The more I think about it, I'm leaning towards this solution.... I think I'll make my own rules.
Stay tuned!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
2015 Update
Wow. It's been entirely too long since the last time I posted anything. There's been a lot of change, but it's all good. Let's see, where to start. I think one of my last posts was rather selfish and more or less a pity party. Rude. Well, I got over all that.
Instead of going to BM, the boys and I decided to go on a road trip to visit our family and friends as far south as San Diego and back up the state. It was such a treat! We saw so many faces we hadn't seen in a long time and ended the trip in SLO celebrating with our closest friends at our favorite beach. Ssshh, it's a secret place. Anyway, we returned home refreshed and ready for the real world(or at last our version of it) Upon returning we hunkered down and worked. I had a follow-up meeting with my audio school admissions counselor to see if January enrollment was a go and…..it WAS!
Of course as is always the case, the holidays were wonderful but also stressful. Generally speaking, last year was rough. I lost a few people in my life, the last being my cousin who died from a stroke. The last time I saw him was during our road trip. We went camping with him and some other family members. I was thrilled that Tony was able to meet him as he was one of the best, funnest and most accepting cousins I had. He passed the week before Christmas. My mother was devastated. She grew up with him and his brother, and being an only child herself, it was like losing a big brother. I took a train down and spent a little over a week with my family. It was bitter sweet. We bonded more than ever. Cousins caught up with cousins. Feuds were forgotten. It's just sad that it had to take a funeral to make it happen. After my return home to SF, we had our own Christmas celebration with just us three boys and Linda. It was wonderful.
There was something else that happened to me during all this. As it's been stated in previous posts, I've always been susceptible to peer pressure and giving in to my vices much too easily. Looking back on the last couple of years, it's been a slow but steady process of trying to break that. As I get older I see another version of myself that I aspire to be. At the same time, there's the version of myself I've grown accustomed to perpetuating. On one hand, there's the fun-loving party boy who's the first to arrive and the last to leave. If you need a partner in crime, he's your man. The thing is, he isn't as outgoing as he pretends to be. He suffers slightly from social anxiety and in an attempt to conceal this he resorts to substance, often inviting danger into his life. On the other, there's the overly self-conscious side who aims to be perfect. "Perfection" is a tricky word though. My definition of "perfect" means to be the best I can be. That side denies my vices and aims for physical and mental health. He doesn't care what other people are doing and is not swayed by their attempts of peer pressure. He is driven, motivated and ready for a true evolution. I am both these people. I believe we all have two sides to us. There's the image we were raised with. The person we think we should be. And then there's the person we KNOW we should be. That person requires sacrifice, humility and determination. By nature, I always want to get to the finish line right away. I'm not crazy about the learning process. The thing is, in order to become the person we know we should be, it requires extensive amounts of learning. That is to fall, get back up, try something new and condition ourselves over time.
These revelations have been happening in my life all along, especially in the last three years. It culminated during the week I spent with my family. Listening to my grandmother's stories and her wisdom. Listening to her fears. Listening to the words of my mother and cousins and what life and family is to them. It really struck a chord. I realized then that I've been chasing my tail. Fooling myself into thinking I was growing when really I was still holding on and wanting to become this new, evolved person, but not fully letting go of that old version of myself.
I read a quote online at the perfect time. It summed up everything I was feeling:
"Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work it's way into your consciousness." - Caroline Myss
After I let go of that old image it was a lot easier for me to work towards my goal. This year is already so exciting. I reformatted my screenplay into a script for television, which gives me more freedom to develop the characters and plot line . I joined a climbing gym and got a second job at a brewery. I also started my Audio Engineering program. All in all, it's a crazy schedule that leaves little time for extracurricular fun, but as I'm learning, that type of fun is overrated, especially when I have big goals for my career. This nine-month course is a huge step in that direction and I can't wait to see what the next few months bring in way of creative inspiration. I will definitely keep more up-to-date with the progress of my script and music production.
Instead of going to BM, the boys and I decided to go on a road trip to visit our family and friends as far south as San Diego and back up the state. It was such a treat! We saw so many faces we hadn't seen in a long time and ended the trip in SLO celebrating with our closest friends at our favorite beach. Ssshh, it's a secret place. Anyway, we returned home refreshed and ready for the real world(or at last our version of it) Upon returning we hunkered down and worked. I had a follow-up meeting with my audio school admissions counselor to see if January enrollment was a go and…..it WAS!
Of course as is always the case, the holidays were wonderful but also stressful. Generally speaking, last year was rough. I lost a few people in my life, the last being my cousin who died from a stroke. The last time I saw him was during our road trip. We went camping with him and some other family members. I was thrilled that Tony was able to meet him as he was one of the best, funnest and most accepting cousins I had. He passed the week before Christmas. My mother was devastated. She grew up with him and his brother, and being an only child herself, it was like losing a big brother. I took a train down and spent a little over a week with my family. It was bitter sweet. We bonded more than ever. Cousins caught up with cousins. Feuds were forgotten. It's just sad that it had to take a funeral to make it happen. After my return home to SF, we had our own Christmas celebration with just us three boys and Linda. It was wonderful.
There was something else that happened to me during all this. As it's been stated in previous posts, I've always been susceptible to peer pressure and giving in to my vices much too easily. Looking back on the last couple of years, it's been a slow but steady process of trying to break that. As I get older I see another version of myself that I aspire to be. At the same time, there's the version of myself I've grown accustomed to perpetuating. On one hand, there's the fun-loving party boy who's the first to arrive and the last to leave. If you need a partner in crime, he's your man. The thing is, he isn't as outgoing as he pretends to be. He suffers slightly from social anxiety and in an attempt to conceal this he resorts to substance, often inviting danger into his life. On the other, there's the overly self-conscious side who aims to be perfect. "Perfection" is a tricky word though. My definition of "perfect" means to be the best I can be. That side denies my vices and aims for physical and mental health. He doesn't care what other people are doing and is not swayed by their attempts of peer pressure. He is driven, motivated and ready for a true evolution. I am both these people. I believe we all have two sides to us. There's the image we were raised with. The person we think we should be. And then there's the person we KNOW we should be. That person requires sacrifice, humility and determination. By nature, I always want to get to the finish line right away. I'm not crazy about the learning process. The thing is, in order to become the person we know we should be, it requires extensive amounts of learning. That is to fall, get back up, try something new and condition ourselves over time.
These revelations have been happening in my life all along, especially in the last three years. It culminated during the week I spent with my family. Listening to my grandmother's stories and her wisdom. Listening to her fears. Listening to the words of my mother and cousins and what life and family is to them. It really struck a chord. I realized then that I've been chasing my tail. Fooling myself into thinking I was growing when really I was still holding on and wanting to become this new, evolved person, but not fully letting go of that old version of myself.
I read a quote online at the perfect time. It summed up everything I was feeling:
"Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work it's way into your consciousness." - Caroline Myss
After I let go of that old image it was a lot easier for me to work towards my goal. This year is already so exciting. I reformatted my screenplay into a script for television, which gives me more freedom to develop the characters and plot line . I joined a climbing gym and got a second job at a brewery. I also started my Audio Engineering program. All in all, it's a crazy schedule that leaves little time for extracurricular fun, but as I'm learning, that type of fun is overrated, especially when I have big goals for my career. This nine-month course is a huge step in that direction and I can't wait to see what the next few months bring in way of creative inspiration. I will definitely keep more up-to-date with the progress of my script and music production.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
BURN AFTER WRITING
The last time I saw the playa was in 2011. It was a beautiful year with many loved ones. If you've ever been to Burning Man you know what a magical and indescribable place it is. This entry is not about that.
Being in any relationship is hard work. Being in a three-way relationship makes it harder…..and easier. It's harder because you have to get three people on the same track with agreeing that a final decision is the right one for the relationship. Any time we plan a vacation we all have to make sure it fits into our schedules. It's easier because you have two other people to bounce ideas off and if it's a terrible idea, reason will usually find it's way through the other two.
It's been a hell of a journey these last six years since living in San Francisco. When we moved in 2009 it was difficult finding jobs but everything worked out in a matter of months. We found a permanent place to live and started saving money. Having gone once before in 2007, Boo and I really wanted to go back, but 2009 wouldn't be that year as we were still getting on our feet. By 2010 we were ready. Metropolis might have been my favorite year. It was Tony's virgin year and it's always special bringing someone along who's never experienced it before. We told ourselves we would take a year off and return in 2012, but by the time summer of 2011 came around and nothing but BM talk is circulating we decided to go again! Financially, we knew it wasn't the wisest decision, but hey, life is about adventure…and debt. Lots of debt. Deep down we three knew we would't be going the next year, or probably the year after. We were right. By 2012 we wanted more for our relationship. We wanted a foreseeable future and draining our savings account every year for a week in a dream wasn't working for us. We spent the next year limiting our fun, investing in our relationship and saving. We had been to handful of festivals and many more parties in the city, yet we hadn't all three had memories of a real vacation so made an effort to spend 2013 working on a goal: saving money for real vacation that didn't leave us with lowered seritonin. Boo and myself had been to Vancouver, Costa Rica(twice) and Nicaragua, but Tony had never been anywhere and we wanted to take him somewhere beautiful. We decided Central America would be the best choice. It's affordable and gorgeous. I worked my ass off that year with the understanding that I would buy us three plane tickets to Central America as long as I could also buy us three tickets to Burning Man. This would be our return to paradise before continuing working full-time.
Central America was everything. A true adventure and we returned home fully refreshed. Tony got a full-time management job that he's very happy with and even got the time off for Burning Man. I was able to pick up extra hours and will be ready to buy our tickets in a couple of weeks. Yet, here I am thinking about the bigger picture. When I make my mind up to do something I make sure I follow through. Everything I've ever truly wanted in my life I've acquired. Making my return to BM is very important to me. I miss it. So much. The boys miss it too. We have the opportunity to go. This might be the last chance we get for another three years. See, Tony plans on keeping this job for the long haul, which is a good thing of course. I'm planning on enrolling in music school at the beginning of next year and after I'm done will need to start paying off student loans. Boo is also planning on working full-time. We have a plan to put any extra money in savings the next three years so we can buy property. This year is basically our last year to enjoy excessive fun and yet the doubt is circulating.
I find myself more torn than ever with the decisions I make. I have always been a selfish person and I'm trying to make selfless decisions. I feel I've made many sacrifices in order to be a better husband and sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Other times, I feel like I'm finding myself for the first time. We all have an idea of who we are and who we're supposed to be when life happens and throws us a curve ball. When I look at my life right now it's good. It's easy. I'm more grounded. I'm more realistic with my goals. It's the practicality that's keeping me from making my mind up about the Burn. I want it so bad I can taste it. I know SO many beautiful people that are going this year and to imagine myself missing yet another year truly hurts my heart. But, there's more to life than adventure. I have greater passions in my life. My husbands are most important to me and though it may look like a perfect life, it's hard work. We all see the versions of who we want to be and we're not quite there yet. Were making it happen but it's a slow journey. The left side of my brain sees going to the playa as a necessary recharge while the right side sees staying as a necessary step in achieving our goals of success.
Boo and I went for drinks last week when he first expressed to me that he didn't think he wanted to go this year. It struck me as a surprise considering we have the time off and the money to do it but I heard him out. His main concern at the time was that many of our friends weren't gong this year and it wouldn't be fun or worth it. Over the years I've had many friends tell stories of the one time they went to BM by themselves with no strings attached and had the BEST time ever. I tried explaining that to him, saying we didn't have to rely on our friends to enjoy our time. The playa provides all the fun we'd need. I then shared my admiration for people who are able to experience the burn all alone and how it would be nice if one year we were able to go separately and have a lonely adventure. This did not go over so well. He translated that as me not wanting to go with him. Technically, my words supported his perception but it's not what I meant. I believe we are all entitled to experiences and adventures we should call our own, even if we are in relationships. I believe those experiences help shape us and allow us to gain some perspective on who were are and what we appreciate. He doesn't feel the same way. He believes that anything major should only be shared with your lover and imagining being on the playa as his own navigator without me or Tony by his side is not something he's interested in doing.
So, here I am dealing with another dilemma. Honestly, I wouldn't mind experiencing the playa by myself. If I can afford to pay for my husbands and they choose to not go, I should still be able to go. That much seems logical to me. But I also understand there is more to consider than getting there. The real question is what will be waiting when we get back? I don't know the answer and I may never. I'm still weighing the possibilities back and forth in my mind. One thing I know is that I love my husbands and I love my life and I should be grateful for the experiences I've already made on the playa and other places in the world. As the time approaches and I see more FB posts about my friend's BM plans, my selfishness resurfaces but I have to stay true to myself. I need to block out the noise and just focus and what's important for me, my relationship and my future.
There's a large desert fire that's screaming my name and a flame deep inside me that whispers the same.
Being in any relationship is hard work. Being in a three-way relationship makes it harder…..and easier. It's harder because you have to get three people on the same track with agreeing that a final decision is the right one for the relationship. Any time we plan a vacation we all have to make sure it fits into our schedules. It's easier because you have two other people to bounce ideas off and if it's a terrible idea, reason will usually find it's way through the other two.
It's been a hell of a journey these last six years since living in San Francisco. When we moved in 2009 it was difficult finding jobs but everything worked out in a matter of months. We found a permanent place to live and started saving money. Having gone once before in 2007, Boo and I really wanted to go back, but 2009 wouldn't be that year as we were still getting on our feet. By 2010 we were ready. Metropolis might have been my favorite year. It was Tony's virgin year and it's always special bringing someone along who's never experienced it before. We told ourselves we would take a year off and return in 2012, but by the time summer of 2011 came around and nothing but BM talk is circulating we decided to go again! Financially, we knew it wasn't the wisest decision, but hey, life is about adventure…and debt. Lots of debt. Deep down we three knew we would't be going the next year, or probably the year after. We were right. By 2012 we wanted more for our relationship. We wanted a foreseeable future and draining our savings account every year for a week in a dream wasn't working for us. We spent the next year limiting our fun, investing in our relationship and saving. We had been to handful of festivals and many more parties in the city, yet we hadn't all three had memories of a real vacation so made an effort to spend 2013 working on a goal: saving money for real vacation that didn't leave us with lowered seritonin. Boo and myself had been to Vancouver, Costa Rica(twice) and Nicaragua, but Tony had never been anywhere and we wanted to take him somewhere beautiful. We decided Central America would be the best choice. It's affordable and gorgeous. I worked my ass off that year with the understanding that I would buy us three plane tickets to Central America as long as I could also buy us three tickets to Burning Man. This would be our return to paradise before continuing working full-time.
Central America was everything. A true adventure and we returned home fully refreshed. Tony got a full-time management job that he's very happy with and even got the time off for Burning Man. I was able to pick up extra hours and will be ready to buy our tickets in a couple of weeks. Yet, here I am thinking about the bigger picture. When I make my mind up to do something I make sure I follow through. Everything I've ever truly wanted in my life I've acquired. Making my return to BM is very important to me. I miss it. So much. The boys miss it too. We have the opportunity to go. This might be the last chance we get for another three years. See, Tony plans on keeping this job for the long haul, which is a good thing of course. I'm planning on enrolling in music school at the beginning of next year and after I'm done will need to start paying off student loans. Boo is also planning on working full-time. We have a plan to put any extra money in savings the next three years so we can buy property. This year is basically our last year to enjoy excessive fun and yet the doubt is circulating.
I find myself more torn than ever with the decisions I make. I have always been a selfish person and I'm trying to make selfless decisions. I feel I've made many sacrifices in order to be a better husband and sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Other times, I feel like I'm finding myself for the first time. We all have an idea of who we are and who we're supposed to be when life happens and throws us a curve ball. When I look at my life right now it's good. It's easy. I'm more grounded. I'm more realistic with my goals. It's the practicality that's keeping me from making my mind up about the Burn. I want it so bad I can taste it. I know SO many beautiful people that are going this year and to imagine myself missing yet another year truly hurts my heart. But, there's more to life than adventure. I have greater passions in my life. My husbands are most important to me and though it may look like a perfect life, it's hard work. We all see the versions of who we want to be and we're not quite there yet. Were making it happen but it's a slow journey. The left side of my brain sees going to the playa as a necessary recharge while the right side sees staying as a necessary step in achieving our goals of success.
Boo and I went for drinks last week when he first expressed to me that he didn't think he wanted to go this year. It struck me as a surprise considering we have the time off and the money to do it but I heard him out. His main concern at the time was that many of our friends weren't gong this year and it wouldn't be fun or worth it. Over the years I've had many friends tell stories of the one time they went to BM by themselves with no strings attached and had the BEST time ever. I tried explaining that to him, saying we didn't have to rely on our friends to enjoy our time. The playa provides all the fun we'd need. I then shared my admiration for people who are able to experience the burn all alone and how it would be nice if one year we were able to go separately and have a lonely adventure. This did not go over so well. He translated that as me not wanting to go with him. Technically, my words supported his perception but it's not what I meant. I believe we are all entitled to experiences and adventures we should call our own, even if we are in relationships. I believe those experiences help shape us and allow us to gain some perspective on who were are and what we appreciate. He doesn't feel the same way. He believes that anything major should only be shared with your lover and imagining being on the playa as his own navigator without me or Tony by his side is not something he's interested in doing.
So, here I am dealing with another dilemma. Honestly, I wouldn't mind experiencing the playa by myself. If I can afford to pay for my husbands and they choose to not go, I should still be able to go. That much seems logical to me. But I also understand there is more to consider than getting there. The real question is what will be waiting when we get back? I don't know the answer and I may never. I'm still weighing the possibilities back and forth in my mind. One thing I know is that I love my husbands and I love my life and I should be grateful for the experiences I've already made on the playa and other places in the world. As the time approaches and I see more FB posts about my friend's BM plans, my selfishness resurfaces but I have to stay true to myself. I need to block out the noise and just focus and what's important for me, my relationship and my future.
There's a large desert fire that's screaming my name and a flame deep inside me that whispers the same.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
HELLO, 2014
It's been too long since I posted anything. Unlike my previous posts, this is more of an update than a subject matter. The last few months have been good to me. Purchased some new recording equipment, put up a website(michaelangel.com) and have begun the next draft of my screenplay, whose treatment I also registered with the Writer's Guild of America. I just wanted to check in and say hi! I will be very busy this next year trying to release this long awaited EP. Things happen in their own time and I continue to respect that. It really seems like this is the year for me to break out from behind the curtain I've been hiding behind for so long. Perfectionists will agree that we are never satisfied with our work and it can keep it from the eyes and ears of our potential supporters. At some point you have to just say "Enough! I'm sharing it." I'm at the precipice right now. Trying to record a little every day so I can share my newest tracks with you all. I'm chasing this dream down and I promise to post more as things progress.
Have a fabulous weekend =)
Have a fabulous weekend =)
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
BUILDING A NEW EMPIRE
It's been quite some time since I've posted, but be assured I've been turning my wheels more than ever. Some may already know of my efforts to produce a concept album, a commentary of our times and a way to get more people to listen to it without being turned off by the often heavy content. I aim to mask the content with infectious beats and alluring visuals that leave the listener elated and inspired. We live in an age of over stimulation. We live busy lives. We work hard...and play harder. At the end of the long day, week, month, we simply want to let loose and forget about the bad things. We deal with crabby clients and anal bosses, crowded sidewalks and congested highways. There's not enough time in a day and so we are left to pick and choose. I realize in order to get people to listen it has to be entertaining. We must be entertained, or we will simply put it off til tomorrow, in place of the easier option today.
What will we do today? What will be leave for tomorrow?
There's a million and one excuses for "saving it for another day." God knows I've used many myself and still do. It's the very excuse for not posting sooner. I've been engrossed in my writing. Along with the concept album turned film score, I have undertaken a new chapter of this ever evolving(and what will surely be a lifetime)project. It's a story. Spawned from a few lines from the original album. There emerged four characters with stories of their own. I sought to understand who these people were, why they were and where they were destined to go. I didn't know it then, but this project found me from some far reaches of both the outer universe and my inner psyche. It used the passion, drive and talent I was gifted with to make itself be known. I am not the one that should get the credit here. The time I was born into gets all the thanks. My journey and the people in my life are to thank. I feel so blessed to have gotten the opportunity to learn from people who grew up sixty years ago and were able to tell me their perceptions of the world and how it has changed drastically. I have musicians, artists and authors who have come generations before me to thank for contributing to my passion and drive. I have to thank scientists, technicians and engineers who have gifted me and my generation with limitless tools to learn about the globe and the about different philosophies from around the world with never even having to go their in person(though I hope to some day.)
Everything I have done, seen and learned in my life has gotten me to this point and now I feel a tremendous desire to do something with all I've experienced. For me, it's not enough to keep the knowledge to myself and let people do as they will. I know there are many people out there who are like me and don't know they want to make a difference until they are inspired, either by information, trial and error or experience.
As an artist I know my greatest tool is that which inspires others to look inside themselves. But I don't do it vainly. Like any other person who aims to bring their work into the public eye, there comes a great responsibility. I have to keep myself in check constantly that I don't know it all and that just because I believe something to be true, does not mean others will. We all have our paths, but along those paths we can maintain a role as observer, taking everything in that we pass. Pressing ourselves to consider other perceptions. Asking ourselves what if? What if that was us? What if those odds were stacked against us? What if we were at the receiving end of this deal? What if we went right instead of left? What if we stayed in and not out? What if we chose silence over sound?
Everyone on this earth has asked themselves these questions. The ones who challenged themselves to see it from all perspectives often took a leap of faith. Sometimes they failed and sometimes they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. For every person who asked themselves "what if I reached for the top?" there is someone who's asked themselves "what if I just stop here?"
We have to decide if we want to just stop where were at or if we want to keep going. It's important to understand that for everyone of us who is passive and complacent there is another out there who is ceasing the opportunity to take more of what's available, whether it be property, knowledge or basic human rights and they aim to keep it for themselves. I fear passiveness. I fear complacency. I fear apathy. For me, it is a disservice to my time on this planet. It is a disservice to my ancestors who have come and gone hoping that their children would live in a better, healthier world. I owe it to them. I owe to myself.
So where do I go from here?
I've always known I wanted to be an artist. From the time I could remember I loved coloring and drawing. I loved music and singing. I grew an appreciation for film and design. I saw art in everything around me, from the trees towering high above my head to the hundreds of shards that glistened in the beach sand at my feet. Back in my home town of San Luis Obispo county I would sit on the beach of Oceano and day dream, imagining that the crashing waves were clouds, that the ocean was the roof of the sky and that the beach I sat on was the shelf of Heaven, as if I was already elevated into another realm and that whatever lay below the actual sea level was the earth and everything in it I did not know. It made sense really. I grew up in the church and new so much about what the kingdom of heaven would be like. The artist renderings were reminiscent of the landscape on the beach. Vast white sands, blue waters and clouds. I swear the footprints in the sand I saw before me just might have been Jesus' like in those depictions I grew up seeing on the walls of my family member's houses. As far as the world though..Earth? I didn't know much about it. Sure, I learned the geography in school. I knew about American History as it was taught to me. But The World, That was as unknown to me as the deepest depths of the sea are still unknown to scientists. At times I swore I could pierce through the oceans surface and imagine what lay below the countless leagues of deep blue. In reality, it was merely my imagination and what I thought should be there. In reality I had no idea. I wanted to know but I did not get the answers I sought in school, in church or at home. So I simply waited and used my love of art and music to imagine what the world could be. When I turned eighteen, I was clueless. I was not raised with the proper tools to take on the real world. I was taught what the world was from a religious point of view, which by definition is very rigid indeed. So I ventured out with passion and ambition and I learned. A lot. I needed to understand why people learn lessons. Surely, it's not because their parents or the bible "said so." They learned lessons from their own mistakes, so mistakes I made. Many many mistakes, and eventually I learned. Within the last few years I learned about my talent as an artist and that it is indeed a gift worth pursuing and sharing. But in the back of my mind, I knew I didn't want to make art for art's sake. It had to say something. It had to contribute to something greater than myself. Over time I crafted my passion into a literary work that would become the lyrics to my concept album. It was from those lyrics and the characters I envisioned that would change my life even more. In order to understand the characters I created I needed to know everything about them. In the process I had to create not only their lives, but lives of their ancestors. I have to care for these legacies so that the readers too will care for them. They must be believable and relatable.
Currently, I'm working on the second draft of my storyline. I hesitate to call it a novel since I'm not officially trained to be a novelist. But it is turning out to be just that. A Novel. In order to make these four characters resonate, I have pushed myself to do much research in the realms of the plot. These four characters are public figures in the 21st Century: A rogue journalist, an aging socialite and corporate heir, an online activist and a professional athlete. The actions of their grandparents led them to their current lives and so the story really begins with their grandparents. The research has led me to world events dating back to the First World War. In the process I have learned about American Economics that were not taught in school. I've learned about the very real presence of the corporatocracy that sprouted from seeds during WWII and have branched out in every faction of international government, corporation and banking system. This is NOT a story of a conspiracy. Before my research I may have fantasized that all the wrong in the world is due to a close knit group of men who sit around a table in an undisclosed european compound and pull the strings of a New World Order. In my findings I've realized that that is simply not the case. It is foolish for us to scapegoat the elite, this imaginary roundtable of superpower strength.
In reality, there IS a business relationship between business, government and financial institutions. All you need to do is a little research and connect the dots yourself. But it's not some secret conspiracy. "Conspiracy" is a relative term and the presence of a conspiracy can be argued both ways. In the end it's irrelevant to what is really going on.
So, what's really going on?
Over the last few months I have learned from many sources about the history of banks like JP Morgan, religious institutions like The Vatican and their ties to such financial institutions. I've learned about incestuous investment practices of Wall Street and their monopolies on oil, engineering and media corporations. It is simply business. The latest book I finished helped me connect the dots even more easily. After WWII, the U.S. decided to use The World Bank(an independent financial institution) to develop third world countries by offering them billion dollar loans. The stipulation was that these countries would have to use US construction and engineering companies to do the job. The third world countries were expected to pay off the loans with fossil fuel profits from their homelands. In other words, a struggling, underdeveloped country with coveted natural resources such as petroleum would have the chance to get brand new infrastructure(roads, electrical grids, telecommunications) in exchange for their precious and valuable resources. The loans of course would be too great for the countries to ever pay back and they would then be enslaved by the US titans who now owned them. This is old news to so many people I now know. But a few years ago, the people I knew, my family members and friends did not know about this stuff. It's no fault of anyones. The gruesome details about these ventures that aid in our economic success and maintain our reputation as the "greatest nation on Earth" are kept from us, and for good reason. We are human. To truly understand what sacrifices are needed on the behalf of other nations in order to maintain our own quality of life is tumultuous. We thrive on a clean conscience. So we look the other way because it's easier than accepting our role. We have a choice. It may not be easy to make the right one, but we have the option nonetheless.
How can I make a difference?
Whether we want to accept it or not, there is a war raging outside our borders. And America is a key player much of time. For the last 70 years America has tightened her grasp on the Global Empire of Capitalism. We may not be pulling the triggers of the guns that occupy their villages, we may not hold the pen that signs the contracts that grant exploitation. But as consumers of this country, we do our part. I know, it seems impossible to not be a part of it, but there is hope. The first step is to educate yourself as much as you can about the reality of the companies we choose to support. The next step is to tell everyone you know. I'm sure many of you who know this have many family members who do not. Start with them. Our greatest weapon is knowledge and our second greatest weapon is our wallets. Choosing to support local and organic business is always better then supporting a large corporation. Large corporations are aided by the global empire and undoubtedly benefit form the exploitation of lesser developed countries, their people and resources. We can't be perfect and we all have at some point have to buy something we know is contributing to the lesser good. I'm not asking you to never buy from them again, but simply cutting down to at least half of the time is a huge step in the right direction. If everyone in America cut their consumption of brand name commercial goods in half and supported local business the other half of the time, that would still help tremendously.
There is also something else we as individuals can do. We are all unique. We all have a talent and a passion. That is the beauty of being human. My passion is art, and so I vow to use my art to educate and inspire with the help of other passionate artists in a global and collaborative effort. Find your talent. Find your passion and push yourself to exercise that talent in a positive and productive way. Imagine if we all used our talents and knowledge on a local level, bartering services and trading resources among each other. The need for outside, large-scale companies would diminish greatly. We would help our neighbors and at the same time send a message to those destructive forces at the top of the chain that we don't need them as much as they would like to believe we do.
While that 1% fights to win the throne of Global Empire, often turning on itself in the process, We, the much larger 99% should strive to reach out for each other's help. Our differences are what make us great, and powerful. The Elite would have us believe that we are enemies with one another, that we need to fight each other for what is rightfully ours. In reality, we are all on the same level. We are being imprisoned and incriminated by our silence. I want to help build the New Consciousness within myself as well as my brothers and sisters. We can continue the true revolution that our conscious ancestors started. We can build our own Empire that surpasses the globe. A Universal Empire. All we need is one another's help and compassion. We must take back this country from the clutches of a few greedy and faceless corporations that have enslaved the less fortunate for their own profits.
"The titles and words of the prophecies differ slightly. They tell variously of a New Age, the Third Millennium, the Age of Aquarius, the Beginning of the Fifth Sun, or the end of old calendars and the commencement of new ones..."The Prophecy of the Condor and Eagle" is typical. It states that back in the mists of history, human societies divided and took two different paths: that of the condor (representing the heart, intuitive and mystical) and that of the eagle (representing the brain, rational, and material). In the 1490s, the prophecy said, the two paths would converge and the eagle would drive the condor to the verge of extinction. Then, five hundred years later, in the 1990s, a new epoch would begin, one in which the condor and eagle will have the same path. If the condor and eagle accept this opportunity, they will create a most remarkable offspring, unlike any ever seen before...The standard interpretation is that it foretells the sharing of indigenous knowledge with the technologies of science, the balancing of yin and yang and the bridging of northern and southern cultures. However, the most powerful is the message it offers about consciousness; it says that we have entered a time when we can benefit from the many diverse ways of seeing the world, and that we can use these as a springboard to higher levels of awareness. As human beings, we can truly wake up and evolve into a more conscious species." - John Perkins
Let's Evolve Together.
What will we do today? What will be leave for tomorrow?
There's a million and one excuses for "saving it for another day." God knows I've used many myself and still do. It's the very excuse for not posting sooner. I've been engrossed in my writing. Along with the concept album turned film score, I have undertaken a new chapter of this ever evolving(and what will surely be a lifetime)project. It's a story. Spawned from a few lines from the original album. There emerged four characters with stories of their own. I sought to understand who these people were, why they were and where they were destined to go. I didn't know it then, but this project found me from some far reaches of both the outer universe and my inner psyche. It used the passion, drive and talent I was gifted with to make itself be known. I am not the one that should get the credit here. The time I was born into gets all the thanks. My journey and the people in my life are to thank. I feel so blessed to have gotten the opportunity to learn from people who grew up sixty years ago and were able to tell me their perceptions of the world and how it has changed drastically. I have musicians, artists and authors who have come generations before me to thank for contributing to my passion and drive. I have to thank scientists, technicians and engineers who have gifted me and my generation with limitless tools to learn about the globe and the about different philosophies from around the world with never even having to go their in person(though I hope to some day.)
Everything I have done, seen and learned in my life has gotten me to this point and now I feel a tremendous desire to do something with all I've experienced. For me, it's not enough to keep the knowledge to myself and let people do as they will. I know there are many people out there who are like me and don't know they want to make a difference until they are inspired, either by information, trial and error or experience.
As an artist I know my greatest tool is that which inspires others to look inside themselves. But I don't do it vainly. Like any other person who aims to bring their work into the public eye, there comes a great responsibility. I have to keep myself in check constantly that I don't know it all and that just because I believe something to be true, does not mean others will. We all have our paths, but along those paths we can maintain a role as observer, taking everything in that we pass. Pressing ourselves to consider other perceptions. Asking ourselves what if? What if that was us? What if those odds were stacked against us? What if we were at the receiving end of this deal? What if we went right instead of left? What if we stayed in and not out? What if we chose silence over sound?
Everyone on this earth has asked themselves these questions. The ones who challenged themselves to see it from all perspectives often took a leap of faith. Sometimes they failed and sometimes they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. For every person who asked themselves "what if I reached for the top?" there is someone who's asked themselves "what if I just stop here?"
We have to decide if we want to just stop where were at or if we want to keep going. It's important to understand that for everyone of us who is passive and complacent there is another out there who is ceasing the opportunity to take more of what's available, whether it be property, knowledge or basic human rights and they aim to keep it for themselves. I fear passiveness. I fear complacency. I fear apathy. For me, it is a disservice to my time on this planet. It is a disservice to my ancestors who have come and gone hoping that their children would live in a better, healthier world. I owe it to them. I owe to myself.
So where do I go from here?
I've always known I wanted to be an artist. From the time I could remember I loved coloring and drawing. I loved music and singing. I grew an appreciation for film and design. I saw art in everything around me, from the trees towering high above my head to the hundreds of shards that glistened in the beach sand at my feet. Back in my home town of San Luis Obispo county I would sit on the beach of Oceano and day dream, imagining that the crashing waves were clouds, that the ocean was the roof of the sky and that the beach I sat on was the shelf of Heaven, as if I was already elevated into another realm and that whatever lay below the actual sea level was the earth and everything in it I did not know. It made sense really. I grew up in the church and new so much about what the kingdom of heaven would be like. The artist renderings were reminiscent of the landscape on the beach. Vast white sands, blue waters and clouds. I swear the footprints in the sand I saw before me just might have been Jesus' like in those depictions I grew up seeing on the walls of my family member's houses. As far as the world though..Earth? I didn't know much about it. Sure, I learned the geography in school. I knew about American History as it was taught to me. But The World, That was as unknown to me as the deepest depths of the sea are still unknown to scientists. At times I swore I could pierce through the oceans surface and imagine what lay below the countless leagues of deep blue. In reality, it was merely my imagination and what I thought should be there. In reality I had no idea. I wanted to know but I did not get the answers I sought in school, in church or at home. So I simply waited and used my love of art and music to imagine what the world could be. When I turned eighteen, I was clueless. I was not raised with the proper tools to take on the real world. I was taught what the world was from a religious point of view, which by definition is very rigid indeed. So I ventured out with passion and ambition and I learned. A lot. I needed to understand why people learn lessons. Surely, it's not because their parents or the bible "said so." They learned lessons from their own mistakes, so mistakes I made. Many many mistakes, and eventually I learned. Within the last few years I learned about my talent as an artist and that it is indeed a gift worth pursuing and sharing. But in the back of my mind, I knew I didn't want to make art for art's sake. It had to say something. It had to contribute to something greater than myself. Over time I crafted my passion into a literary work that would become the lyrics to my concept album. It was from those lyrics and the characters I envisioned that would change my life even more. In order to understand the characters I created I needed to know everything about them. In the process I had to create not only their lives, but lives of their ancestors. I have to care for these legacies so that the readers too will care for them. They must be believable and relatable.
Currently, I'm working on the second draft of my storyline. I hesitate to call it a novel since I'm not officially trained to be a novelist. But it is turning out to be just that. A Novel. In order to make these four characters resonate, I have pushed myself to do much research in the realms of the plot. These four characters are public figures in the 21st Century: A rogue journalist, an aging socialite and corporate heir, an online activist and a professional athlete. The actions of their grandparents led them to their current lives and so the story really begins with their grandparents. The research has led me to world events dating back to the First World War. In the process I have learned about American Economics that were not taught in school. I've learned about the very real presence of the corporatocracy that sprouted from seeds during WWII and have branched out in every faction of international government, corporation and banking system. This is NOT a story of a conspiracy. Before my research I may have fantasized that all the wrong in the world is due to a close knit group of men who sit around a table in an undisclosed european compound and pull the strings of a New World Order. In my findings I've realized that that is simply not the case. It is foolish for us to scapegoat the elite, this imaginary roundtable of superpower strength.
In reality, there IS a business relationship between business, government and financial institutions. All you need to do is a little research and connect the dots yourself. But it's not some secret conspiracy. "Conspiracy" is a relative term and the presence of a conspiracy can be argued both ways. In the end it's irrelevant to what is really going on.
So, what's really going on?
Over the last few months I have learned from many sources about the history of banks like JP Morgan, religious institutions like The Vatican and their ties to such financial institutions. I've learned about incestuous investment practices of Wall Street and their monopolies on oil, engineering and media corporations. It is simply business. The latest book I finished helped me connect the dots even more easily. After WWII, the U.S. decided to use The World Bank(an independent financial institution) to develop third world countries by offering them billion dollar loans. The stipulation was that these countries would have to use US construction and engineering companies to do the job. The third world countries were expected to pay off the loans with fossil fuel profits from their homelands. In other words, a struggling, underdeveloped country with coveted natural resources such as petroleum would have the chance to get brand new infrastructure(roads, electrical grids, telecommunications) in exchange for their precious and valuable resources. The loans of course would be too great for the countries to ever pay back and they would then be enslaved by the US titans who now owned them. This is old news to so many people I now know. But a few years ago, the people I knew, my family members and friends did not know about this stuff. It's no fault of anyones. The gruesome details about these ventures that aid in our economic success and maintain our reputation as the "greatest nation on Earth" are kept from us, and for good reason. We are human. To truly understand what sacrifices are needed on the behalf of other nations in order to maintain our own quality of life is tumultuous. We thrive on a clean conscience. So we look the other way because it's easier than accepting our role. We have a choice. It may not be easy to make the right one, but we have the option nonetheless.
How can I make a difference?
Whether we want to accept it or not, there is a war raging outside our borders. And America is a key player much of time. For the last 70 years America has tightened her grasp on the Global Empire of Capitalism. We may not be pulling the triggers of the guns that occupy their villages, we may not hold the pen that signs the contracts that grant exploitation. But as consumers of this country, we do our part. I know, it seems impossible to not be a part of it, but there is hope. The first step is to educate yourself as much as you can about the reality of the companies we choose to support. The next step is to tell everyone you know. I'm sure many of you who know this have many family members who do not. Start with them. Our greatest weapon is knowledge and our second greatest weapon is our wallets. Choosing to support local and organic business is always better then supporting a large corporation. Large corporations are aided by the global empire and undoubtedly benefit form the exploitation of lesser developed countries, their people and resources. We can't be perfect and we all have at some point have to buy something we know is contributing to the lesser good. I'm not asking you to never buy from them again, but simply cutting down to at least half of the time is a huge step in the right direction. If everyone in America cut their consumption of brand name commercial goods in half and supported local business the other half of the time, that would still help tremendously.
There is also something else we as individuals can do. We are all unique. We all have a talent and a passion. That is the beauty of being human. My passion is art, and so I vow to use my art to educate and inspire with the help of other passionate artists in a global and collaborative effort. Find your talent. Find your passion and push yourself to exercise that talent in a positive and productive way. Imagine if we all used our talents and knowledge on a local level, bartering services and trading resources among each other. The need for outside, large-scale companies would diminish greatly. We would help our neighbors and at the same time send a message to those destructive forces at the top of the chain that we don't need them as much as they would like to believe we do.
While that 1% fights to win the throne of Global Empire, often turning on itself in the process, We, the much larger 99% should strive to reach out for each other's help. Our differences are what make us great, and powerful. The Elite would have us believe that we are enemies with one another, that we need to fight each other for what is rightfully ours. In reality, we are all on the same level. We are being imprisoned and incriminated by our silence. I want to help build the New Consciousness within myself as well as my brothers and sisters. We can continue the true revolution that our conscious ancestors started. We can build our own Empire that surpasses the globe. A Universal Empire. All we need is one another's help and compassion. We must take back this country from the clutches of a few greedy and faceless corporations that have enslaved the less fortunate for their own profits.
"The titles and words of the prophecies differ slightly. They tell variously of a New Age, the Third Millennium, the Age of Aquarius, the Beginning of the Fifth Sun, or the end of old calendars and the commencement of new ones..."The Prophecy of the Condor and Eagle" is typical. It states that back in the mists of history, human societies divided and took two different paths: that of the condor (representing the heart, intuitive and mystical) and that of the eagle (representing the brain, rational, and material). In the 1490s, the prophecy said, the two paths would converge and the eagle would drive the condor to the verge of extinction. Then, five hundred years later, in the 1990s, a new epoch would begin, one in which the condor and eagle will have the same path. If the condor and eagle accept this opportunity, they will create a most remarkable offspring, unlike any ever seen before...The standard interpretation is that it foretells the sharing of indigenous knowledge with the technologies of science, the balancing of yin and yang and the bridging of northern and southern cultures. However, the most powerful is the message it offers about consciousness; it says that we have entered a time when we can benefit from the many diverse ways of seeing the world, and that we can use these as a springboard to higher levels of awareness. As human beings, we can truly wake up and evolve into a more conscious species." - John Perkins
Let's Evolve Together.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
REVELATIONS
It's been quite some time since I've made an entry on this. Apologies. Looking at the list from the beginning of 2012 and the goals I made for the last year, I see many I've accomplished and there are surely things I haven't. In any case I am proud of the lessons I learned along the way.
The biggest realization was that it will undoubtedly be harder before it get's easier. In order to succeed in our goals it takes more sacrifice than we like to make. I was living with a desire to be more conscious but only had one foot in it. It is not possible to half-ass anything. In order to really change for the better we have to completely dissect ourselves and pinpoint all of the problem areas. I was picking and choosing which ones I wanted with little success.
My relationship has seen some major change. I've always been the first one to give my love on all levels to anyone that would have it. I'm a lover by nature. What I was confusing was the types of love I possessed and gave in return. There are indeed different types of loves. Love for our family. Love for our partners. Love for our friends. Love for our professions. Love for our ourselves. I took for granted the love for my family, partners. I knew it was there and never challenged myself to work for it. I failed in that respect. Friends come and go, but the real ones graduate into family. Family is forever. Family understands the sacrifices we must make sometimes. I am so blessed to have so much family who supports the decisions I make, even when they are not the right ones.
I am even more blessed to have not one, but two lovers. Lovers who are patient and give me the freedom to make my own decisions and connections with other people, even when they are not a part of them. I took that for granted. But never again. I realize with freedom comes great responsibility. And just because we have freedom doesn't necessarily mean we should take it. A permit does not make a license.
I have lived a decade of decadence. My twenties have seen my in less than desirable positions and there were times I thought I would literally die. I pushed my body and my soul beyond it's limits. I always had my husband by my side and eventually our fiancé. You may ask why they didn't stop me from making poor decisions. Well, it isn't their job. A common misconception is that out partners are there to control us. I even accepted that. I learned to never lie and be brutally honest. If I doubted a decision I was making was the right one I would ask them if they were ok with it. They would say 'you do what you need to' and I ran with it. The problem was that I never asked myself if I was ok with it.
Since moving to SF I have done the most damage to not only myself, but to the ones I love. It was never intentional yet it was real just the same. My lovers did what they needed to: Love me, support me and wait for me to get it. Patience, however, does have an expiration date. And to be honest, so does the power of love. Love is forever. All you need is Love. This is true. But we can't expect it to be enough when it comes to relationships. There must be self sacrifice. There must be acknowledgment of our own actions. There must be a consequence for those actions. It's the natural order of things.
I became so accustomed to getting everything I wanted because I asked permission first. But it's not OK. I am so incredibly grateful that I figured it out before my boys' patience ran out. In a sense it did. A serious action led to a serious talk like no other. The daunting conversation that every relationship must have: What do we want? What do you need? Am I really the one to give it you? Are you really the one to give it to me? It's a frightening dialogue. Honesty is scary like that. Sometimes we hear what we don't want to. Much of the time we hear things we need to.
I was lost in a world of material obsession. I still am. Aiming to attain enough money to buy the clothes and fashionable accessories that I imagine myself to possess. Aiming to befriend all the "important people" that will get me ahead in the industry. Aiming to hold onto a pretentious youth that fades faster than I like. Aiming to gain the love from every stranger to prove I am worthy of breaking the mold when it comes to love. Challenging myself to live a healthier life while still going out and chasing those tired demons. Lying to myself that my relationship was truly perfect when there were holes here and there, with me as the main cause.
Everything happens for a reason. This art project of mine has already had so many incarnations and continues to evolve into something bigger than me. In it's process I have challenged myself to learn about the world around me, even when it's less than pleasant. I have learned about my most basic addictions and how they are regressive to my growth. I've felt like a hypocrite for "preaching" a better way of living while making the same foolish mistakes I see in others.
I've decided to stop blaming my surroundings and simply accept them. We can't change ourselves or the world overnight. It will honestly take an entire lifetime to make the smallest change. To acknowledge that and to accept is all we can ask for. There are many aspects of our society I despise. These elements are the catalyst for my project. The album lyrics and the story I'm working on reflect the world we live in and the very possible direction it will take if I don't change. Change starts with ourselves. We must hold ourselves responsible every day of our lives. If we have problem, change it.
I am posting this not to preach, but to confess. I guess my catholic upbringing will always be a part of me, even if I'm not religious anymore. I always feel guilt for actions I make, but instead of confessing it to a faceless man in solitude I'd rather confess it to the world. That way I know I must hold myself responsible. Once it's out in the open I can't go back on my word.
Now that I'm 30 I welcome the next decade as a construction chapter in my life. Deconstruction comes first. Clearing the foundation, reorganizing the plans and purging all of the rotted walls that have inhabited it for far too long.
My love for myself, my family and partners comes first and foremost.
To love myself, I must stop the abuse of substance and focus on a healthy lifestyle. Taking time to exercise and be creative as well as cutting out toxic ingredients in my diet. I've been pretty successful in the last few years but I could improve further.
To love my family I must keep in contact with them and invite them to be in my life more than just the holidays. I need to call them more often and tell them about my week and ask them about theirs. Even the smallest phone conversation can show them that you love them and are thinking of them.
To love my partners I must make real time for them. I must not just ask if it's OK but put myself in their shoes. What would I want for me if I was them? What could I sacrifice in my own selfishness that would truly show them I care. What can I do aside from love them to prove I love them?
To love the world around me I must take full responsibility for my own actions and invite a different perspective. I must aim to understand things I am not knowledgeable of without fear. I must offer my help more often and extend a hand beyond my direct family. We are all here together. We all love. We all want something better for not just ourselves but the world around us.
I promise to make real sacrifices this year that will make the world a better place, not just for myself but for you and your loved ones. I'm surrendering my pride and my comfort so I can continue to learn the necessary practices needed for survival. If I plan on surviving I must evolve. It won't be easy and I will stumble surely, but I will know it's never too late to make it right and that I will never be alone.
Call it God. Call it Love. Call it Light. But Call It. It is in You. You in It.
The biggest realization was that it will undoubtedly be harder before it get's easier. In order to succeed in our goals it takes more sacrifice than we like to make. I was living with a desire to be more conscious but only had one foot in it. It is not possible to half-ass anything. In order to really change for the better we have to completely dissect ourselves and pinpoint all of the problem areas. I was picking and choosing which ones I wanted with little success.
My relationship has seen some major change. I've always been the first one to give my love on all levels to anyone that would have it. I'm a lover by nature. What I was confusing was the types of love I possessed and gave in return. There are indeed different types of loves. Love for our family. Love for our partners. Love for our friends. Love for our professions. Love for our ourselves. I took for granted the love for my family, partners. I knew it was there and never challenged myself to work for it. I failed in that respect. Friends come and go, but the real ones graduate into family. Family is forever. Family understands the sacrifices we must make sometimes. I am so blessed to have so much family who supports the decisions I make, even when they are not the right ones.
I am even more blessed to have not one, but two lovers. Lovers who are patient and give me the freedom to make my own decisions and connections with other people, even when they are not a part of them. I took that for granted. But never again. I realize with freedom comes great responsibility. And just because we have freedom doesn't necessarily mean we should take it. A permit does not make a license.
I have lived a decade of decadence. My twenties have seen my in less than desirable positions and there were times I thought I would literally die. I pushed my body and my soul beyond it's limits. I always had my husband by my side and eventually our fiancé. You may ask why they didn't stop me from making poor decisions. Well, it isn't their job. A common misconception is that out partners are there to control us. I even accepted that. I learned to never lie and be brutally honest. If I doubted a decision I was making was the right one I would ask them if they were ok with it. They would say 'you do what you need to' and I ran with it. The problem was that I never asked myself if I was ok with it.
Since moving to SF I have done the most damage to not only myself, but to the ones I love. It was never intentional yet it was real just the same. My lovers did what they needed to: Love me, support me and wait for me to get it. Patience, however, does have an expiration date. And to be honest, so does the power of love. Love is forever. All you need is Love. This is true. But we can't expect it to be enough when it comes to relationships. There must be self sacrifice. There must be acknowledgment of our own actions. There must be a consequence for those actions. It's the natural order of things.
I became so accustomed to getting everything I wanted because I asked permission first. But it's not OK. I am so incredibly grateful that I figured it out before my boys' patience ran out. In a sense it did. A serious action led to a serious talk like no other. The daunting conversation that every relationship must have: What do we want? What do you need? Am I really the one to give it you? Are you really the one to give it to me? It's a frightening dialogue. Honesty is scary like that. Sometimes we hear what we don't want to. Much of the time we hear things we need to.
I was lost in a world of material obsession. I still am. Aiming to attain enough money to buy the clothes and fashionable accessories that I imagine myself to possess. Aiming to befriend all the "important people" that will get me ahead in the industry. Aiming to hold onto a pretentious youth that fades faster than I like. Aiming to gain the love from every stranger to prove I am worthy of breaking the mold when it comes to love. Challenging myself to live a healthier life while still going out and chasing those tired demons. Lying to myself that my relationship was truly perfect when there were holes here and there, with me as the main cause.
Everything happens for a reason. This art project of mine has already had so many incarnations and continues to evolve into something bigger than me. In it's process I have challenged myself to learn about the world around me, even when it's less than pleasant. I have learned about my most basic addictions and how they are regressive to my growth. I've felt like a hypocrite for "preaching" a better way of living while making the same foolish mistakes I see in others.
I've decided to stop blaming my surroundings and simply accept them. We can't change ourselves or the world overnight. It will honestly take an entire lifetime to make the smallest change. To acknowledge that and to accept is all we can ask for. There are many aspects of our society I despise. These elements are the catalyst for my project. The album lyrics and the story I'm working on reflect the world we live in and the very possible direction it will take if I don't change. Change starts with ourselves. We must hold ourselves responsible every day of our lives. If we have problem, change it.
I am posting this not to preach, but to confess. I guess my catholic upbringing will always be a part of me, even if I'm not religious anymore. I always feel guilt for actions I make, but instead of confessing it to a faceless man in solitude I'd rather confess it to the world. That way I know I must hold myself responsible. Once it's out in the open I can't go back on my word.
Now that I'm 30 I welcome the next decade as a construction chapter in my life. Deconstruction comes first. Clearing the foundation, reorganizing the plans and purging all of the rotted walls that have inhabited it for far too long.
My love for myself, my family and partners comes first and foremost.
To love myself, I must stop the abuse of substance and focus on a healthy lifestyle. Taking time to exercise and be creative as well as cutting out toxic ingredients in my diet. I've been pretty successful in the last few years but I could improve further.
To love my family I must keep in contact with them and invite them to be in my life more than just the holidays. I need to call them more often and tell them about my week and ask them about theirs. Even the smallest phone conversation can show them that you love them and are thinking of them.
To love my partners I must make real time for them. I must not just ask if it's OK but put myself in their shoes. What would I want for me if I was them? What could I sacrifice in my own selfishness that would truly show them I care. What can I do aside from love them to prove I love them?
To love the world around me I must take full responsibility for my own actions and invite a different perspective. I must aim to understand things I am not knowledgeable of without fear. I must offer my help more often and extend a hand beyond my direct family. We are all here together. We all love. We all want something better for not just ourselves but the world around us.
I promise to make real sacrifices this year that will make the world a better place, not just for myself but for you and your loved ones. I'm surrendering my pride and my comfort so I can continue to learn the necessary practices needed for survival. If I plan on surviving I must evolve. It won't be easy and I will stumble surely, but I will know it's never too late to make it right and that I will never be alone.
Call it God. Call it Love. Call it Light. But Call It. It is in You. You in It.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
POLY-WHAT?!
"Polygamy" is the broad term used for a spousal arrangement between multiple persons. "Polygyny " refers to a marriage of one man and multiple wives. "Polyandry" refers to marriage with one wife and multiple husbands. The rules of Polygamy differ depending on the religion they stem from but the running theme is the same; it is an arrangement and does not necessarily require the knowledge, blessing or acceptance of all involved.
"Polyamory" refers to having an intimate relationship with more than one person, where all involved are aware and accepting of the arrangement. That arrangement varies depending on the relationship and can have any number of men and or women involved. What Polyamory is not is a marital institution. It is not intended to place persons in a specific title where one person is in charge, but where all involved are equal and free to express themselves. It takes a lot of courage, honesty and humility to be in a successful polyamorous relationship whereas a polygamous relationship requires more of a willingness to conform to the ideal of the institution.
Many people in the world don't know(or care) of the difference and think it's pretty much all the same if it's not a traditional one-man one-woman union. As I am approaching 4 successful and fruitful years in a polyamorous relationship I feel a need to shed a little insight on this subject.
"Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends" - Shirley Maclaine
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood" - Marie Curie
"Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius
"Polyamory" refers to having an intimate relationship with more than one person, where all involved are aware and accepting of the arrangement. That arrangement varies depending on the relationship and can have any number of men and or women involved. What Polyamory is not is a marital institution. It is not intended to place persons in a specific title where one person is in charge, but where all involved are equal and free to express themselves. It takes a lot of courage, honesty and humility to be in a successful polyamorous relationship whereas a polygamous relationship requires more of a willingness to conform to the ideal of the institution.
Many people in the world don't know(or care) of the difference and think it's pretty much all the same if it's not a traditional one-man one-woman union. As I am approaching 4 successful and fruitful years in a polyamorous relationship I feel a need to shed a little insight on this subject.
"Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends" - Shirley Maclaine
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood" - Marie Curie
"Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law." - Boethius
Love. Its a funny and scary thing, yet we covet the relationships we see walking down the street, on the television and on the big screen. The idea that if we do all "the right things" we will acquire that one True Love plagues so many of us. We project our fantasies and so often trick ourselves into a relationship that dissipates as quickly as it materialized. We are left with the ultimate question: Do I fight for this or do I walk away? Is my obsession to manifest a relationship on my terms so strong that I will use my head and not my heart to stay and "make it work"? Will my pride keep me here day after day living the life I think I should live simply because I tricked myself into thinking it's what I deserve? What will my friends think? What will my family think? What will society think of me? What will I think of me?
Pride is powerful. We want so much to be right from the very beginning we forget that life is learning. So we lie to ourselves, we stay in a relationship for a year, then five, then ten, then twenty. We've all heard of the stories of people staying in a failed relationship for decades to finally make the leap of faith and set out to find independence at the prime age of 50. True, it is never too late to change. But why wait so long when deep down you knew all along?
Every day we trick ourselves into saying, thinking and living a certain way and we don't even know we are doing it. From the day we are born we are taught from others the way of life. What it is and why it is. What it's not and what it should not be. When we reach that tender age of adolescence the feelings in our own head and heart combat everything else we were taught. It's in that instance we make up our minds as to the kind of adult we will grow up to be and everything we do from that point on is an extension of that choice we make. Everything we do must conform to the idea we have of ourselves. Every relationship we make thereafter is serving that purpose. We project that ideal and seek it out in the people we meet. If they don't serve our ideal we often dismiss them. The exception is with our lovers. Our hearts are fragile and we fear the pain. This would explain the running trend of staying in a relationship that has been doomed from the beginning. We are so afraid of having a broken heart we will lie to ourselves and fight. It's OK to fight for Love, but we must be honest with ourselves. Is it truly Love, or simply the idea?
If you've read my complete blog(and you should) then you already know I was raised in a conservative household. I lied to myself to please my family and friends and started relationships I thought I should have, not that I wanted. I finally found the courage I needed to come out of the closet. I knew I would hurt some friends and family. I knew what society would say and it wasn't going to be easy, but it was the only way. This is my life. This is who I am and God makes no mistakes. It was at this point I stopped looking for that special someone and set out to find myself and to love and understand what I didn't know. It was then that Love found me. The thing about True Love is that it can not and will not be controlled. It does not come when you're ready. The longest lasting relationships usually start the same way, unexpected and raw.
Love found me. He was beautiful and blonde with a tan and a smile that lit up the world. He was everything I wanted and surprisingly everything I needed. With only my idea of what a relationship should be we started a monogamous one. My youthful naivety got the better of me and I cheated on him a few months in. The guilt I felt consumed me and I finally came clean expecting him to leave. Much to my surprise, he said he knew it was going to happen. I was only 19, just came out of the closet and projected my idea of what a relationship should be and what it was not supposed to be. He then told me he just wanted me to be honest with him and then he was honest with me. He too, was not ready for a monogamous relationship but our desire to be with one another was too strong to end it so we made our own rules. We finally declared our love for one another after months of nervously and clumsily almost saying it out loud only to retreat at the last second(A good sign that it's true love is when you sweat and convulsively shake at the thought of saying "I Love You" to that person) Over the years our trust solidified, our communication broadened and we continued to have a successful open relationship. Sure, jealousy came up, but after years of being together and recognizing what jealousy is we moved past it. Jealousy is a selfish emotion. It's an empty threat on our ego. The Love we have with one another is unparalleled and unrivaled. Therefore, any connection he may have with someone else is not a threat to my relationship with him. It is not an attack on me and it is there to help him grow as an individual and in turn it helps me grow. This concept is easy to understand when we think about friendships. Take 3 friends for example: friends A and B have known each other for 5 years when they meet friend C. Friend A and C have certain strengths and friends B and C have others. These three friends all have a unique connection with one another and it's simply understood with everyone involved that each friendship is different and special and is not a threat to the other. We have simply applied that same process of thinking to our relationship. Every connection is special and helps us grow.
After 7 years of strengthening our bond with one another and still having the freedom to have intimate experiences with other people by adhering to our own "rules", we broke them. We met a boy who we both fell hard for. There was a mystery to him. His dark handsome features and doe-eyed gaze were enough to make anyone giddy. He had that certain something that no other boy in all our years had ever made us feel and we started to have him at our house multiple nights a week. As opposed to previous "tricks" that cause us to act a certain way and pretend to be something we aren't quite really, we were able to be ourselves. He was anything but a trick. He made us feel so comfortable and more importantly he made us want to be better than what we were. We both knew we were falling in love with him around the same time and although we were masters of communication, the thought of admitting it out loud to one another was crippling. After all, we knew what our relationship was. It was us 2 taking life by the balls. We had "experiences" with others but relationships? Polyamory was something we never thought about. Sure, it was cool for some people but not us. Yet, here we were. Again, Love barged in when we least expected it...rude. It got us thinking about preconceived notions. Ideals we are taught by society. Why are we worrying about what society is going to think of us now? We already had 7 unconventional years of adventure, we were already labeled sinners by the religious right so why try to censor ourselves now? Shouldn't we continue to follow our hearts? Our hearts are telling us to shout it from the rooftops, "We love this man and want him to be part of us!". That fear we all feel when something is about to change materialized and that same apprehension we felt before we confessed our love to one another years before was back. It was in that instance we knew what we had to do. The only thing to do. On March 17, 2008 we asked him to join us in a polyamorous relationship and he gladly accepted. The next few weeks was like coming out the closet all over again. With no other examples or role models to refer to we made it up as we went and when some people learned of our new relationship they would say, "wow" or "OK" or "How does that work??". Time was the test we needed and over the years we have seen other poly relationships come and go. Many have since ended but we are still going strong. A common misconception is that this relationship is about sex. So many times people want to write us off as a "threesome". Many people want to volunteer their insight that my husband and I weren't happy enough with one another and had to do this to make it work. Others have accused us of "cheating" the name of the game. In the past there have been times when I myself have questioned why we are in this relationship. Were we strong enough? Are they right? Are we cheating? Today I know that those accusations couldn't be further from the truth. We simply live our lives and follow our hearts. There is something greater out there that is orchestrating the design. We are all part of a cosmic mosaic. Every piece, every crack, every color has a place and a purpose. Our third lover is part of that design. We 3 as a whole and individually have learned so much from one another and from our friends and families. Love is what you make it. You can not shape Love and have to let Love shape you. Fear not what others will think or say for they don't know what's in your heart. Listen to your heart. Be brave and honest with yourself and others. If the relationship you find yourself in today leaves you wanting, ask yourself what it is you want. Did you force this union to perpetuate the ideal you had of yourself or did this union find you? Life is Short and Life is Long. It really depends on your perception of it. Whatever the case, don't let life pass you by and more importantly, don't let Love pass you by.
*This is not a ploy to get you to try polyamory. In all honesty, it's not for the majority and only for a small portion of the minority. In my years I have seen many relationships come an go. Some have honestly failed while others dishonestly prevail. The point of this post is to shed some light on the many aspects and definitions of what love is and what love can be. In the end, follow your heart and never let anyone tell you what you should be or who you should love. You are a beautiful piece of stained glass in that cosmic mosaic and every crack and curve is an attribute only your true love/loves can appreciate.
**I also understand that not everyone will agree with my definitions of what polyamory is, please keep in mind, the understanding varies depending on those involved. I am only using my personal experiences to define what it is for me and I welcome and respect other opinions of what polyamory and relationships in general are. To each their own.
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