Phantom Lovesong

Swipe away your soul

You left your number

But you didn't take his call

Addicted to the hunt

Disconnected from it all

I thought I knew you better

I thought you said you’d stay

Now I’m trying to buy your love back

While you give your heart away

You give your heart away

You give your heart away

You give your heart away

You give your heart a--

You’re losing all control

Washed up white noise

Stranger to yourself

Algorithmic romance

He thinks you're someone else

I guess they know you better

You found your claim to fame

So click away your conscience

And scroll away the day

Scroll away the day

Scroll away the day

Scroll away the day

Scroll away the--

Phantom on the dancefloor

Phantom on the streets

Phantom to your friends now

Phantom in the sheets

Phantom on the dancefloor

All I Do Is Pray

What about my daughter?

What about my wife?

What about the plans we made together

For a perfect life?

What about my mother

Who’s living out her years alone?

What about the people in this country?

What about OUR OWN?

No one ever taught me

About the world on the other side

My father’s first and only lesson

Was to be a fearless man of pride

Now my only son is next of kin

And he’s changing with the tide

Forgotten all our history

And abandoned all his pride

Oh Father, hear my prayer

What more do you want from me?

Every week I worship in Your House

Forget not my family

Oh Father, won’t you hear my prayer?

Won’t you help my son to see

To help a foreign family

Is to welcome the enemy

What about our freedoms?

My bearing right to arms?

Illegal drug cartels and trafficking

That bring our great country much harm?

What about the homelessness?

No-good thugs and sick junkies?

What of pregnant teenage atheists?

There’s no more room for refugees

No one ever taught me then

About religion from the other side

All I’ve ever known of Us and Them

Is that Our Truth begets Their lies

So, here we are divided left and right

No means to see an end

The talking heads with empty nothingness

Float like feathers with the newest trend

Oh Father, are you there?

You’ve made a mockery of me

I’ve spent a lifetime praying in Your House

And all for naught, how can this be?

Oh Father, is my son not wrong?

Was your good book just a lie?

Was the pride I built an empire on

A sin too great to rectify?

All I do is pray for justice

That the violence will decrease

All I do is pray they stay away

And leave us all in peace

All I do is pray for sinners

That the gays will finally see

All I do is pray they fade away

That our children remain clean

All I do is pray for safety

For taller walls to keep them out

All I do is pray the terror away

All I do is pray

All I do is pray

All I do

All I do

All I do

Written By: Michael Angel

And I'm off...

It's been a minute since my last post.

I will be finished with an intensive 9-month program in Audio Engineering at SAE Institute in just two days. It's been an adventure to say the least.

I've learned the basics of sound, electronics and music theory. I now have an adequate understanding of signal flow, how to produce on a Digital Audio Workstation(Pro Tools, Ableton, etc) and can mix on large analog consoles like the SSL6K and the Neve VR.

In addition to learning all the technical stuff, I've learned a lot about myself and my career plan is clearer than ever.

The reason I enrolled in this program is because I've always had a great passion for creating not just music, but art. The type of art I strive for compels people and inspires them to make a positive change in the world around them. Before I started, though, I had no real knowledge of how to produce a song, and the song is where it all starts. Now, I have the tools that will allow me to create as many songs and albums as my heart desires. Now I have the tools to compose sheet music so I can bring in live musicians. I can now track them in a studio. I can now mix the arrangement. Knowing that I'm able to bring the music that's been in my head for so many years to life without having to depend on someone else is exhilarating. There is nothing quite like it.

So stay tuned. Great and wonderful things are on the horizon...

The Story of Us

“Who would give a law to Lovers? Love is unto itself a Higher Law.” 
- Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy

Polygamy- The practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time

Polyamory - The state of being in Love with more than one person at the same time

The former is based on the institution of marriage while the latter is based on the desire to be with one another, freely.

The former does not require the presence of Love while the latter depends on it. 

The Story of Us. 

I was raised in religion. Controlled by Fear. 
Lies. To my friends. To my family. To myself.  

Then I found peace. Truth. There were no mistakes.  I am who I am. 

I came out at 19. Clueless. There aren’t many options in a small town. 

He wasn’t my type. But he was there.  A few more random encounters. 

But that SPARK? Nowhere. 

Summer time in SLO. Gay Pride. July 14. 2001. Finally, I would find my type. 

Blonde boys made me weak.  I would find the hottest there. 
He would take me home.  

I saw him right away. He was gorgeous. It took most the night to approach him. 

I had no game. I eyed him across the dance floor. 

We passed each other in the hall. He smiled. I smiled back.  

My heart pounding. My palms sweating. People were starting to leave. 

I was going to miss my chance. I couldn’t miss my chance. 

Courage. I walked across the dance floor. He was sitting against the wall. 

I asked him to dance. He looked at his girlfriend, then at me. 

A gay version of every high school movie I’d ever seen. 

We only got halfway through “Oops, I did it again.” 

20 minutes later we were climbing out of my backseat.

He invited me back to his place. 

Mission complete. 

Josh lived in a trailer. On a hill. In a junk yard. I found it terribly sexy. 

His best friend’s pit bull had a spiked collar. It popped his air mattress.

We stayed in the living room. 

The next morning he made coffee. 

We sat on the porch overlooking piles of car parts and furniture. 

A cow grazed on a patch of yellow grass. 

It wasn’t really a junk yard. Just a rundown property in A-town.  

He drove me back. We kissed a long kiss. We hugged even longer. 

That SPARK.  It electrified me. I was alive. I didn’t want it to end. 

A one-night stand no more. I fell hard. I wanted a relationship. 

He said no. I was too young. I just came out of the closet. 

I wasn’t ready. He said no. 

Persistence pays off.  

He folded. 

Just one stipulation. 

No games. 

Simple enough. 

We had a deal.  

My understanding of relationships was limited. 

Monogamy. 

Cheating leads to break ups.  

We were six months in. 

I proved him right. 

I had a wandering eye after all. 

He was out of town. 

The guilt consumed me. 

I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t lose him. I loved him. 

I heard of people slipping. They just swept it under the rug. 

Two weeks of hell. I went over the conversation in my head. 

No matter how I broke the news it always ended the same. 

Him walking out the door. Me never seeing him again. 

The day finally came. 

I couldn’t even finish before the tears were flowing down my face. 

My head hung low. I couldn’t look him in the eye. 

I couldn’t watch him leave. 

Maybe it’s the Catholic in me.

I never feel more clean than after confession. 

Now it was time for penance. 

He didn’t walk out. He just sat next to me. 

The silence was palpable. 

Finally. He spoke. ’He knew something was wrong. 
Ever since he got back he could feel it.  

He knew I would do it, which is why he said “no” in the first place. 

But he wasn’t going to leave me. 

He wasn’t going to leave me. 

It wasn’t the act that hurt him. It was the lie. 

But he loved me. And I loved him. 

He presented an idea. 
If I loved him and he loved me then breaking up was preposterous. 

Still, we had a dilemma. I wasn’t ready for monogamy. 

Truth be told, neither was he. 

What if we maintained an open relationship? 

This was my penance?

If I agreed, could I do it? 

What about jealousy? 

It was this or nothing. 

The beginning was awkward.

There were no role models. We made our own rules. 

When we finally stopped trying to “make it happen”, it happened naturally. 

It was electrifying. Jealousy never came. Instead, elation. Ecstatic relief.  

We were sharing an experience like nothing I ever thought possible. 

There was passion. There was laughter. 

The next day we were like school girls. We talked about all of the feelings. 

Communication secured us. 

Mike and Josh 2.0 were born. 

3 years later we married. Settled into our little hobbit house. 
Cats. A dog. A white picket fence. 

4 years later. A new circle of friends. Subculture. Festivals. Performance art. Radical self-expression. 

A few had open relationships, too. Finally, we weren’t alone. 

This was when we learned about Polyamory. 

Nurturing a relationship with more than one person. Revolutionary. 

Our marriage was progressive, yet our rules were not so evolved. 

We were free to play, but romance was not encouraged. 

That’s when it happened. 

A year prior I was pursuing a boy. Myspace. 

He came over. We smoked bowls, talked about tattoos. Then he left. 

My 25th birthday party. He returned. 

My husband asked him to stay. A final present. 

The gift that kept on giving. Just when we thought we had it all figured out. 

The Universe threw us a curve ball. 

This mysterious, beautiful boy with deep brown eyes. 
He was more than just a trick. 

We never felt like this before. He stayed at our house multiple nights a week. 

We cuddled. We ordered delivery. We watched bad TV.  

Uncharted territory. It was time to have the talk. 

St. Patrick’s Day. 2008. A house party. 

Tony was outside. 

Josh and I had the strangest exchange. 

“We should talk about what’s happening right?”

“I suppose.”

“Something is happening right?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“Well, should we do this? Can we do this?”

“I think we can.”

“Are we doing this?”

“Yeah. Let’s do this.”

We hugged and kissed. We found Tony. 

Holding each other’s hands we asked him.

He said YES. 

It was a like a second honey moon. 

He moved in. 

It was time to tell our friends. Our family. But how? 

Coming out as poly is like coming out of a second closet. 

Even the most progressive people have a hard time wrapping their heads around it. 

Many people just didn’t understand. 

Others took it upon themselves to volunteer their insight

‘Maybe Josh and I weren’t meant to be together. Our openness was a crutch. 

If we were truly happy, we wouldn’t need to be with anyone else.’ 

Others accused us of taking advantage of the standard. 

Breaking the relationship rules.  

After a while, you can’t help but second guess yourself. 

What if they’re right? What if we weren’t as strong as we claimed to be?

Was this a crutch? Would this last? Was it doomed?

Love. We all know it. We all seek it. We all need it. 

From the moment we’re born we’re taught the rules of life. 

What is expected of us. What’s right. What’s wrong. 

Adolescence. We start to see inconsistency. The gaps in logic. 

We have questions. We decide to seek our own path. Find the Truth. 

We visualize our future self . We form relationships that perpetuate that ideal. 

We project our fantasy on everyone and everything around us. 

Everything we do serves that future vision of ourselves. 

Thats’s when it happens. We fall in lust. We fall in love. 

Our bodies are hijacked by emotion. 

A war between the head and heart. 

The barrage of questions:

Is this real?

Is this what I want?

What about my plan?

Will this person keep me from fulfilling my dreams?

Will I keep them from theirs?

What will others say? 

What will they think?

On and on. We never really know.  There are no rules. 

The Head is never certain. Nor is the Heart. 

It’s a dance. Does your partner know the same moves? 
If they don’t can they learn the steps? 

Love is patience. Love is humility. Love is understanding. Learning. 

We can’t get everything from one person. No one is perfect. 

The beauty lies in how two imperfect souls fit together in that perfect way. 

Sometimes, we possess the ability to love more than one. 

14 years and counting. 

Our Triad. Stronger than ever. 

No more doubt. 

Just Love. Endless Love. 

It’s not always easy. 

But it’s real. 

Realer than anything I’ve ever known. 

Human connection is never replicated. 

It’s a Cosmic Mosaic of beautiful, jagged, glass. 

Each piece tells a story. Each shard, stained and fractured. 

They find a way to mend with the support of others. 

Sometimes we recognize the first piece. 

Sometimes we recognize the last. 

Sometimes we recognize every piece in between. 

Regardless. We are all connected. For better or for worse. 

We all make up the larger picture. That cosmic work of art. 

It’s not about polyamory. 

It's about Love. 

With no bounds. No laws. 

Live your life. Live your dream. 

Be with the one, or ones, that allow you to grow. 

Do not hinder each other. 

Do not hinder yourself. 

Do not hinder Love. 

After all, Love is unto itself, a Higher Law. 

Works In Progress

Well, It's been about a month since my last entry. So, here goes.

I'm loving my new job. I'm even more in love with school. I've never cared as much about grades and succeeding as I do now, but I guess that's what happens when you work towards your passion.

I'm already six weeks into my course and have learned the basics of sound, music theory, MIDI and signal processing. I'm particularly stoked on receiving Native Instruments(software) which is basically 12,000 sounds and instruments at my disposal. This of course has inspired me to work on new material in between my assignments. My EP is closer than ever. I've used the opportunity to reevaluate what I want to do with this education. I'm thinking I still want to be a producer, but I want to work towards something greater. I've outlined a three album production plan. Each project would have a different trajectory that would raise awareness and funds for communities that I want to support. If I could find a way to use the money raised for these projects to give back to the community it would be a success. I just need to get past the first step and get through school.

Aside from refining my musical goals,  I've hit a wall with my writing endeavors. As many of you know I've been working on a storyline/screenplay for a few years now. I keep going back and forth between ideas in how to present it.

I'm self taught in almost everything I'm doing. I never took art classes to teach myself how to draw and even though it's been years since I've created any new work in that medium, I know it's still in me. Same goes with writing. And singing. To a professional writer and reader it's no surprise that I have ways to go before I master proper format. Here's the thing though. I've never been one to follow the rules completely. In reality, there are no rules. I can do whatever the hell I want. It's my work.

On one hand, the perfectionist's hand, I want to wait until everything is "ready." Basically, I want to see everything out to it's fullest potential and I don't want to jump the gun.

The other hand, I'm all too aware that time is precious. Tomorrow is not promised. Perhaps it's best to share what you have so at least some people see it.

I'm currently inspired by the serial novel format, which would allow me the chance to introduce my characters in real time in small increments. Typically, serial novels like Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City(which I recommend you read) were published in newspapers as regular installments. Well, let's face the fact that physical newspapers are on their way out. Everything is digital now. If I were to take this route I could post the installments onto my blog as soon I'm done with them. Hopefully gain an audience, slowly, but surely.

I'm not trying to become famous. A few years ago was a different story. I wanted the glory. Now that I see the larger picture my goals have changed. I just want to create. I want to share my view of the world. Many people aren't going to like my perspective. I'm preparing myself for the harsh judgement of the internet. People are vicious when hiding behind their computers. If I go this route, I must expect many critics to slam my work for everything that it's not. And everything it is.

I feel like I'm in a race against time, being pulled in two different directions. It's dizzying. Exhilarating, but dizzying.

Here's a little about the work itself. First off, when people ask me what it's about, I fumble for precise words, trying not to give too much away. And I fail. The story is so complex with backstory and side plots. If I want to sell it, I must find a way to compress it into a "logline." A logline is a one to two sentence summary of the plot. It's almost like a tagline, but for your screenplay/script. I'd been grappling with the perfect one for months and finally settled with this:

"The personal lives of four public figures collide during a series of national security mishaps."

I'm pleased with it. It tells you there are four main characters and who they are(to an extent) and the basic plot line, without giving too much away, hopefully creating some allure.

So we have four public figures. Who are they?

At one time they were simply names in a song from my concept album, The Devil's Memoir. Much like the album itself, it sparked something greater. First I had the drawing which inspired the poetry, which became the lyrics to the album. I realized I didn't just have an album in the works, but a larger story. Over the next few years I created entire lives for these characters. Their families have established pasts. Their grandparents are accounted for. I felt it was necessary to know where they had come from and where their parents came from in order to make their own paths more believable, more human.

Now what do I do with all this material?! 

I realized I had way too much going on to make it just one novel or screenplay. Reformatting it into a series just seems like the natural way to go. It gives me the freedom to slowly introduce them. It gives them the freedom to grow naturally. I like the idea of them living in real time. It allows us(the readers/viewers) to see the world as it is and as it could be through their eyes. The story and the album have the same goal of striking an emotional chord with the reader/listener, giving them a sense of familiarity. I want the work to bring everyone to the same level. Hopefully in that instance people will understand that we are in essence, all the same. All fighting for something. All dreaming of something greater. All searching for a missing piece to make us whole again.

Here is a small introduction of the four main characters in real time:

Ben Drake: Professional rugby player for the American Union aka The Eagles. He is 20 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. The picture-perfect California boy. His sportsmanship as a fly-half has won rugby more respect with American athletes and his sex appeal has won him much attention in American tabloids. He isn't a fan of his newfound fame and focuses on preparing for the Rugby World Cup later this year, where he hopes to elevate his team to the top ten bracket. He is private, humble and dedicated which gives him an element of mystery with all who meet him.

Ben's family owns the largest independent dairy farm in the west coast, Drake Farms Organics.  They have recently incorporated a solar energy venture known as Drake Solar Solutions. Both companies are regularly faced with legal roadblocks put in place by the USDA and their clients at Sunset Farms and Biocorp Technologies, who are attempting to monopolize the nation's beef and dairy industry.

Mary Douglass: A socialite with porcelain skin and fiery red hair. She is the "billionairess" to her late-father's fortune that accumulated from stock in petroleum, finance, biotech and corporate media. After his(Richard Douglass) death in 1990, Mary, at only 8 years old, became an instant celebrity due to her title as the youngest and richest heir in the United States. Mary grew up in the spotlight and learned to love it. By the time she was 25, Mary's resume included modeling, acting, reality TV and rehab. She is now 32 years old and has reinvented herself as a philanthropist, throwing lavish charity galas that host celebrities and politicians alike.  The youth obsessed culture she helped perpetuate is growing bored with her current lack of "drama." Social media is unforgiving of her recovery, hoping for a relapse that will make her exciting once again. Critics attack her age claiming she's too young to retire the party scene, yet too old to break headlines, or date the young boys she's often photographed with. It's a harsh reality of a pill that Mary is having a hard time swallowing.

David Cross: A tall, lanky journalist for Freespeak News, with horned rimmed glasses and ardent disposition. He is the younger, half-brother to Mary. Shortly after Richard Douglass died, Mary's mother, Adrian Douglass, remarried Samuel Cross. He was an investigative journalist working for her late-husband's broadcasting empire, One Net Media(ONM). The controversial courtship became national news and followed the family henceforth. Subsequently, David grew up in the spotlight because of who his family was, and learned to resent not only the corporate media hounds at ONM, but also his sister, Mary, who's vanity and materialism has spoiled what he believes to be a lost opportunity to make a real difference. David has chosen to follow his father's footsteps in exposing the secrets of America's elitist "one percent."

Samuel Cross left ONM in 2012 when the media giants showed no signs of nearly eradicating their investigative departments nationwide. Samuel used his own revenue to start the ultra progressive Freespeak News which has two purposes: to find jobs for laid-off journalists with integrity, and to fight the conservative media machine who has resorted to tabloid tactics and sensationalism.

Jonathan Kahlo AKA Johnny K: Internet blogger/Activist. Johnny is 19 years old and a wild child with dark, androgynous features. He grew up in a conservative, abusive household and ran away at the young age of twelve. He found his estranged grandmother, Mill, in San Francisco and lives with her. Unlike Johnny's parents, Mill has accepted him for who he is and urges him to embrace his individuality. Unfortunately, he ran with concept, becoming an addict of sex and designer drugs by the time he was sixteen. A near-fatal incident was the "rock bottom" that yanked Johnny out of his downward spiral. He decided to start a public video journal documenting his experiences with abuse, sexuality, intimacy issues, addiction and suicide attempts as well as sharing his own views on the current social state of American youth culture. The blog is gaining momentum along with Johnny's motivation to make a real difference in the world around him.



So, there they are. Four different characters with four different paths, all motivated by something unique to their own lives and experiences. The idea is to allow them to grow in real time. Telling their stories as if they were living in a similar world.

Like most fictional characters and the people who created them, there is a bit of me and/or people I know mixed in. At least that's how it started, however, they have evolved into their own realities.

The next question is: Where do I start?

I could start at the beginning. Or, I could post accounts as they materialize, using real-world events as inspiration. The benefit of me not having proper training in the writing field is that I don't know the rules. I can ignore them and simply tell it how I want. You'll either love it or hate it. The more I think about it, I'm leaning towards this solution.... I think I'll make my own rules.

Stay tuned!

2015 Update

Wow. It's been entirely too long since the last time I posted anything. There's been a lot of change, but it's all  good. Let's see, where to start. I think one of my last posts was rather selfish and more or less a pity party. Rude. Well, I got over all that.

Instead of going to BM, the boys and I decided to go on a road trip to visit our family and friends as far south as San Diego and back up the state. It was such a treat! We saw so many faces we hadn't seen in a long time and ended the trip in SLO celebrating with our closest friends at our favorite beach. Ssshh, it's a secret place. Anyway, we returned home refreshed and ready for the real world(or at last our version of it) Upon returning we hunkered down and worked. I had a follow-up meeting with my audio school admissions counselor to see if January enrollment was a go and…..it WAS!

Of course as is always the case, the holidays were wonderful but also stressful. Generally speaking, last year was rough. I lost a few people in my life, the last being my cousin who died from a stroke. The last time I saw him was during our road trip. We went camping with him and some other family members. I was thrilled that Tony was able to meet him as he was one of the best, funnest and most accepting cousins I had. He passed the week before Christmas. My mother was devastated. She grew up with him and his brother, and being an only child herself, it was like losing a big brother. I took a train down and spent a little over a week with my family. It was bitter sweet. We bonded more than ever. Cousins caught up with cousins. Feuds were forgotten. It's just sad that it had to take a funeral to make it happen. After my return home to SF, we had our own Christmas celebration with just us three boys and Linda. It was wonderful.

There was something else that happened to me during all this. As it's been stated in previous posts, I've always been susceptible to peer pressure and giving in to my vices much too easily. Looking back on the last couple of years, it's been a slow but steady process of trying to break that. As I get older I see another version of myself that I aspire to be. At the same time, there's the version of myself I've grown accustomed to perpetuating. On one hand, there's the fun-loving party boy who's the first to arrive and the last to leave. If you need a partner in crime, he's your man. The thing is, he isn't as outgoing as he pretends to be. He suffers slightly from social anxiety and in an attempt to conceal this he resorts to substance, often inviting danger into his life. On the other, there's the overly self-conscious side who aims to be perfect. "Perfection" is a tricky word though. My definition of "perfect"  means to be the best I can be. That side denies my vices and aims for physical and mental health. He doesn't care what other people are doing and is not swayed by their attempts of peer pressure. He is driven, motivated and ready for a true evolution. I am both these people. I believe we all have two sides to us. There's the image we were raised with. The person we think we should be. And then there's the person we KNOW we should be. That person requires sacrifice, humility and determination. By nature, I always want to get to the finish line right away. I'm not crazy about the learning process. The thing is, in order to become the person we know we should be, it requires extensive amounts of learning. That is to fall, get back up, try something new and condition ourselves over time.

These revelations have been happening in my life all along, especially in the last three years. It culminated during the week I spent with my family. Listening to my grandmother's stories and her wisdom. Listening to her fears. Listening to the words of my mother and cousins and what life and family is to them. It really struck a chord. I realized then that I've been chasing my tail. Fooling myself into thinking I was growing when really I was still holding on and wanting to become this new, evolved person, but not fully letting go of that old version of myself.

I read a quote online at the perfect time. It summed up everything I was feeling:

"Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work it's way into your consciousness." - Caroline Myss

After I let go of that old image it was a lot easier for me to work towards my goal. This year is already so exciting. I reformatted my screenplay into a script for television, which gives me more freedom to develop the characters and plot line . I joined a climbing gym and got a second job at a brewery. I also started my Audio Engineering program. All in all, it's a crazy schedule that leaves little time for extracurricular fun, but as I'm learning, that type of fun is overrated, especially when I have big goals for my career. This nine-month course is a huge step in that direction and I can't wait to see what the next few months bring in way of creative inspiration. I will definitely keep more up-to-date with the progress of my script and music production. 

BURN AFTER WRITING

The last time I saw the playa was in 2011. It was a beautiful year with many loved ones. If you've ever been to Burning Man you know what a magical and indescribable place it is. This entry is not about that.

Being in any relationship is hard work. Being in a three-way relationship makes it harder…..and easier. It's harder because you have to get three people on the same track with agreeing that a final decision is the right one for the relationship. Any time we plan a vacation we all have to make sure it fits into our schedules. It's easier because you have two other people to bounce ideas off and if it's a terrible idea, reason will usually find it's way through the other two.

It's been a hell of a journey these last six years since living in San Francisco. When we moved in 2009 it was difficult finding jobs but everything worked out in a matter of months. We found a permanent place to live and started saving money. Having gone once before in 2007, Boo and I really wanted to go back, but 2009 wouldn't be that year as we were still getting on our feet. By 2010 we were ready. Metropolis might have been my favorite year. It was Tony's virgin year and it's always special bringing someone along who's never experienced it before. We told ourselves we would take a year off and return in 2012, but by the time summer of 2011 came around and nothing but BM talk is circulating we decided to go again! Financially, we knew it wasn't the wisest decision, but hey, life is about adventure…and debt. Lots of debt. Deep down we three knew we would't be going the next year, or probably the year after. We were right. By 2012 we wanted more for our relationship. We wanted a foreseeable future and draining our savings account every year for a week in a dream wasn't working for us. We spent the next year limiting our fun, investing in our relationship and saving. We had been to handful of festivals and many more parties in the city, yet we hadn't all three had memories of a real vacation so made an effort to spend 2013 working on a goal: saving money for real vacation that didn't leave us with lowered seritonin. Boo and myself had been to Vancouver, Costa Rica(twice) and Nicaragua, but Tony had never been anywhere and we wanted to take him somewhere beautiful. We decided Central America would be the best choice. It's affordable and gorgeous. I worked my ass off that year with the understanding that I would buy us three plane tickets to Central America as long as I could also buy us three tickets to Burning Man. This would be our return to paradise before continuing working full-time.

Central America was everything. A true adventure and we returned home fully refreshed. Tony got a full-time management job that he's very happy with and even got the time off for Burning Man. I was able to pick up extra hours and will be ready to buy our tickets in a couple of weeks. Yet, here I am thinking about the bigger picture. When I make my mind up to do something I make sure I follow through. Everything I've ever truly wanted in my life I've acquired. Making my return to BM is very important to me. I miss it. So much. The boys miss it too. We have the opportunity to go. This might be the last chance we get for another three years. See, Tony plans on keeping this job for the long haul, which is a good thing of course. I'm planning on enrolling in music school at the beginning of next year and after I'm done will need to start paying off student loans. Boo is also planning on working full-time. We have a plan to put any extra money in savings the next three years so we can buy property. This year is basically our last year to enjoy excessive fun and yet the doubt is circulating.

I find myself more torn than ever with the decisions I make. I have always been a selfish person and I'm trying to make selfless decisions. I feel I've made many sacrifices in order to be a better husband and sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Other times, I feel like I'm finding myself for the first time. We all have an idea of who we are and who we're supposed to be when life happens and throws us a curve ball. When I look at my life right now it's good. It's easy. I'm more grounded. I'm more realistic with my goals. It's the practicality that's keeping me from making my mind up about the Burn. I want it so bad I can taste it. I know SO many beautiful people that are going this year and to imagine myself missing yet another year truly hurts my heart. But, there's more to life than adventure.  I have greater passions in my life. My husbands are most important to me and though it may look like a perfect life, it's hard work. We all see the versions of who we want to be and we're not quite there yet. Were making it happen but it's a slow journey. The left side of my brain sees going to the playa as a necessary recharge while the right side sees staying as a necessary step in achieving our goals of success.

Boo and I went for drinks last week when he first expressed to me that he didn't think he wanted to go this year. It struck me as a surprise considering we have the time off and the money to do it but I heard him out. His main concern at the time was that many of our friends weren't gong this year and it wouldn't be fun or worth it. Over the years I've had many friends tell stories of the one time they went to BM by themselves with no strings attached and had the BEST time ever. I tried explaining that to him, saying we didn't have to rely on our friends to enjoy our time. The playa provides all the fun we'd need. I then shared my admiration for people who are able to experience the burn all alone and how it would be nice if one year we were able to go separately and have a lonely adventure. This did not go over so well. He translated that as me not wanting to go with him. Technically, my words supported his perception but it's not what I meant. I believe we are all entitled to experiences and adventures we should call our own, even if we are in relationships. I believe those experiences help shape us and allow us to gain some perspective on who were are and what we appreciate. He doesn't feel the same way. He believes that anything major should only be shared with your lover and imagining being on the playa as his own navigator without me or Tony by his side is not something he's interested in doing.

So, here I am dealing with another dilemma. Honestly, I wouldn't mind experiencing the playa by myself. If I can afford to pay for my husbands and they choose to not go, I should still be able to go. That much seems logical to me. But I also understand there is more to consider than getting there. The real question is what will be waiting when we get back? I don't know the answer and I may never. I'm still weighing the possibilities back and forth in my mind. One thing I know is that I love my husbands and I love my life and I should be grateful for the experiences I've already made on the playa and other places in the world. As the time approaches and I see more FB posts about my friend's BM plans, my selfishness resurfaces but I have to stay true to myself. I need to block out the noise and just focus and what's important for me, my relationship and my future.

There's a large desert fire that's screaming my name and a flame deep inside me that whispers the same.